what is love ?

Love
What is love ?
Love is giving up something you enjoy for something they enjoy.
Love is when you say you'll do something and you'll do it.
Love is caring for them no matter what.
Love is when people tell you their not right for you, you still stick with them.
Love is when you stay on the phone for hours and hours talking about nothing. and still want to stay on the phone.
Love is when you don't want to be with them cause they can buy you stuff. not being materialistic.
Love is when everything falls apart, they can still make you happy.
Love is when they're there for eachother through the thick and thin.
Love is when there's no you nor me, only we.
Love is when the first thing you think of when you wake up is them.
Love is when you're constantly wondering if their doing okay.
Love is when every second with them makes you feel joy.
Love is when you strive for any method to see them.
Love is when you tell them about everything.
Love is when you have nothing to talk about, because they know everything.
Love is being able to trust them to the fullest.
Love is when you give them enough to make them happy, but not enough to spoil them.
Love is when you can listen to them vent about their life. about girls or guys.
Love is making them something with your own two hands, instead of buying it for them.
Love is about whats deep down in your heart, not your mind.
Love is when your near; you can feel their presents.
Love is being over protective about them.
Love is when you get jealous over the smallest things. like long conversations with the opposite sex.
Love is when you don't let ANYONE get in the way of your relationship.
Love is when you don't look forward to lust whenever you meet.
Love is when you can spend a whole day doing nothing, and just be glad your with them.
Love is when you are willing to walk a 1000 miles to see them. even if you cheat by taking the bus half way. cause you still attempted.
Love is when you call them in middle of the night, just to say "I love you".
Love is when you can deal with jealousy.
Love is when you help them go though their toughest times.
Love isn't about what you can buy them, but what you can give them from the heart.
Love is when you try your best to save up, just to get the things they always wanted.
Love is when you're willing to give up time to lead them into the right path.
Love is when their in everything you do.
(and no, you can't say what a person feels is love or not ! and this is only my opinion on love.)


[to be continued.. ]

Love is something that no one understands, hates, and still do.

Have fun; Bitch.

Have fun with life, BITCH !
I can't wait until the day you have no friends. oh wait, it already happened[:

And don't you EVER think you can take my best friends away from me, cause that ain't ganna happen. Nor are you EVER ganna ruin MY life. Cause in the end, I'd still have more close friends then you. Especially with the attitude you have. Change a little, maybe some better will come out of it. IF everyone forgives you. Have fun(L I wish you luck in life.

Oh, and always keep your finger to yourself, it's not nice to blame the WRONG people. especially when they did absolutely nothing wrong. learn some manners and respect. you need it. you're a big girl now. take care of yourself and stop depending on others[;


Comments to add:
fuck you bitch. why you always gotta ruin everyone's life, when it's just perfectly fine. and, what's wit' that stupid attitude and exaggeration of your every movement.
it fucking pisses people off, it's just so absurdly disrupting. you know what bitch, go suck a fucking DICK. well.. that's if ANYONE down for you to get near them. -3273435221

Phone calls.

I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE REJECT MY CALLS ! IF YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ME THEN JUST PICK UP AND SAY SO ! gosh !


never believe it when someone say "i'll call you back okay?" Right Joyce? cause you know what? We end up waiting all day and night for their DAM phone call ! The next time someone rejucts my call, imma reject their calls. see how they like it ! and same thing with the "call you back" ! well then again, there are times when people DO call back... So... whatever.




^-- this applies to EVERYONE ! it's annoying you know !

alone again.

Fuck you guys okay!?


Yhea, I blame myself too. I know i'm doing this to myself ! I just feel lonley,uncared for, un loved, and whatever else i feel. toda was a alright day i guess. It's just a normal day. besides the fact its a shorten day.

right now, I'm upstairs in my little room, alone, with nothing to do but cry and hate on myself ! not even the music can change my mood. I TRY to crank up my music, i even chose rock to express the anger, but it's not working ! I have chips, and other food to stuff my face with. I was suppose to surprise someone today, but plans changed.. i don't even feel like doing it anymore. it's not exciting anymore. joyce and i was planning to just chill in my room as my sister and her future boyfriend get to hang out.. but i plans changed too. so here i am upstaire as the parties downstairs. haha "party" not literally. :P seems like i'm pulling myself away huh? or am i? i dont think i am...

I wish i was invisible. literally. maybe then i wouldnt feel so.. iono. I would feel better about myself. cause then i was REALLY invisible. i have nothing to blame when people dont see me nor even know i exist. (haha i sound so emo) but its the truth.








bare with me if you can, i've just been REALLY stressed and moody lately.

Just another day.

I got my class ring ! <33

I love love love it ! <33

but my mom made me put it away T.T she said with my clumsiness, i might break it, lost it or get it stolen ): and i was looking forward to wearing that ring T.T I wanted a new ring ! D;< ring ring ring <33 i love rings! haha :P

well, umm.. nothing really nre today, Hmm.. I don't know when to ask him. I cant think or the perfect time to ask him. its raining tomorrow Wednesday Thursday AND Friday. I think.. so there's no like nice place to go and surprise him. other problem is... I dont know how imma get the money for the dance;/ cause $120 is a LOT of money... but that sure is less then what Alex lost at Marongo.. JK jK! forget i said that (: don't get mad at me okay Alex? (:

Bored ! I'm getting bad grades. I'm scared i wouldnt get into Cal Poly! T.T

help!?

I don't think theres ganna be anymore "falling in love" for me. Cause i think i've already "Fallen in love" with someone. and yet, I'm not so sure about that. who knows, I might just dig my hole even deeper.. then i'll be falling further in love xD Wow.. Thats so cheesee !

I'm thinking about going to winterformal. I also have someone in mind.. but i'm scared he might not want to go.. cause the day of winterformal's also a very special day for him.

What i need:
~ a good plan to surprise him.
- with the help of some friends
- his house
- poster/banner/cookies/cake/balloons
- etc.
~ money
- tickets
- materials
- other stuff ;]
- place
BLAH ! i cant think o.-"


Need guys opinion!
How would you like to be surprised if a girl asked you to a dance? :P
is setting everything in your house without you knowing too creepy ?!

ahh, i've never done this.. a lil help here? please? :P

room mate story.

I was in 4th period today.
mu English teacher told us something about room mates cause that's what we were reading in our story.
so like he told us about how much he "disliked" his room mate cause every night he would bring friends over.. up until who knows when. And then there are those nights when he would bring some girl over.
so like mr. hiett told us that his room mate has a girlfriend back at his home town and that every night he would call her and tells her how much he's madly in love with her.. and that he cant live without her. My teacher called him a jack-ass cause he cheats on her like every other night.. and then tells his girlfriend that he loves her.
you know why i brought this up? because after he told us that... I don't really look forward to college so much anymore. cause who knows... my future boyfriend might just do that to me too.. i dont know.. only they would know..
you tell me.. HOW can i start trusting guys now? do they deserve to be trusted? i know not all guys are like that but still, once your insecure, everyone and everything's the same. so no offense to you other goody-good guys. so; i apologize to Gerard if i a offended you, it's just you know what i mean.

advice column from school.

Wanna read something that i read in our school newspaper today?

I have a best friend. he was once my boyfriend. He tells me that he loves me very much and that he can't live without me, but at the same time, he has a girl that he is dating. he likes her. My question is, can or does he truly love me even though he's dating someone else?

This was "Mr. Advice" said to that anonymous writer...
B.I. - If he is already with someone, don't pursue him and don't let him pursue you. There are hundreds of other guys at our school who would love to take you out, and I'm sure you have a wonderful personality that should be admired. Your EX has no intention of hurting your feelings, but it looks like he's somewhat a ladies man, begging for attention, or he could be unaware of the words he uses. Tell your EX to stop leading you on because he's in a relationship and both you and his new girl need respect. As you tell him, pull him aside from your friends and his friends to show him how serious the situation is. If he were truly a good friend, he would understand your reasoning and you would both remain good friends.

Haha. Isn't that a nice answer? haha. jk. I dont know, i just thought it was interesting. don't you agree ? xD the second column wasn't that interesting.. cause it was about nursing school... i have nothing to do with that. ha ha. I wanna be an architect, i don't need a nursing school xD

Random thoughts.

Read them, then understand them. You'll get it.

I cherish every moment that we're together. lovers and friends.

I wanted you. Like that matters right? jk [;

Fuck you ! [;

You are the reason, I'm here where I am today.

I love those days, when it was just you&&me.

It's the little things that make me love you, but it's also the little things that make me sad, angry, pissed, wonder, think, and pray.

You were my everything. You kinda still are. who am I kidding, you are.

I love how we're always on step when we walk next to each other.

Choose.

You can only have so much in life, everyone knows you can't have everything. It's the way of life.

words are words, actions are actions
but to mean it all; that's a total different story.

I just wish you understood me.

I thought that I could hold it in, but I guess I was wrong.

Me, Myself, and I

I really don't know what to say or expect. I just go along with whatevers' going on.

When you have no time for me; I will always have time for you.
When you're too busy for me; I can make time for you.
When you say you love me; I love you more then that.
When you're out having a blast; I'm sitting here surviving.
When you're with her; I stand here watching you.
When you're down in the dumps; I'm here to cheer you up.
When you need someone to talk to; I'm here to listen.

I live everyday, waiting for the second I get to see you again.
I live everyday, waiting for the second I get to hear your voice again.
I live every moment wondering; how much you love me. (I know)

The day you leave; Is the day I say... "I told you so"

I'm nothing.

I'm nothing but a broken wing
a lovely voice that just cant sing.
everything I touch seems to break
as if its all unreal and fake.

557

557 more days... until I have that chance again.
556 more days now:P













That chance to be free.

Feelings: something I wrote like 4 years ago.

10.18.05
I told you that I loved you… but you don’t believe me. You kept asking me why but the truth is, I don’t know why. I do know I do know that I’m not making any of this up. I really do love you. The feeling of being without you makes me feel like I’m a walking zombie, like I came back from the dead. You know what I mean? People say the reason why I don’t know why is probably because I don’t know you as well as I think I do. I’m beginning to believe that’s true. I’m beginning to believe a lot of things that I never thought would be true.
Now I’m more confused then I was before. It seems that I get more and more confused each and everyday. As I find a new answer to pair with one of my questions, I always seem to have another question. But right now, the only question that I want answered is “why do I love you?” My answer is because you care for me, you treat me right, and you’re cute too. In my eyes, I see a sweet, cute, caring guy. I know there are many things that you’ve done wrong but I see past all that. I love the way you laugh and smile. I love the way you make me feel inside. I feel so safe when you’re around. You are my knight in shining armor, my prince from a far away kingdom.
The first time Lily told me that you don’t really love me anymore; I just didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to think anymore. For the last few days, I couldn’t stop crying. I feel like I understand life a lot better. Life is full of questions and I don’t think I can ever answer them all in m life time. I love you Alex and I really do mean it. I swear to god I do. I miss you Alex, so very much. So what do I do now? Try and get over you or do I keep refusing to and just love you even though you don’t?
Can you tell me that you believe me that I love you now? I told you something didn’t I? And every last word of it is true. I have more to say, when you smile I smile. Just hearing your voice makes me smile. Everything about you makes me happy. And not just that, its you that makes me happy. As time pass, I feel that I’m getting to know you better, and that’s a good thing. I do want to know you better.
Right now, I’m thinking about the first time we talked to each other. The first time I saw you. The first time I talked to you in person. And what our first words were. “Hey!” and “My skins blacker then yours.” That day was my dreams come true. A while back, I would save all the convocations that we use to have. I read them again now and then and I can see how different I was. And how different it was when we talked. Before, I would tell you like every little detail that’s happening in my daily life. And now it’s like I have nothing to say. But I do have something to say. Actually I have a lot to say. But when I start talking to you, it’s like I have nothing to say… like I just spaced out or something.
Ever since I talked to you yesterday, I feel like I can talk to you about anything once again. But there are still some parts of me that are still a bit afraid and that’s not a good sign. I feel that you are someone I can trust, someone that I can live forever with, someone that I can trust to hold and keep my heart and not break it. There are a lot of reasons why I love you; I guess that I just didn’t know where to search for those answers.
Like I keep saying, there are so many reasons why I love you. I know there all in front of me. But I’m just too stupid, too blind to see it. I do see part of it now. You’re everything to me, someone that I can trust and give my heart to. You can make me laugh and smile from anything you do. That’s what I want. I want someone that can make me smile, make me happy, know how to cheer me up, even when you know deep inside I’m really not okay. And you should know that you make everything better.
That someone is you. You’re the one that makes me happy, laugh when I don’t really feel like it, and smile when I’m sad. I should actually thank you for always caring and always being there for me.

10.19.05
I’m feeling better today. I remember the day before when my teacher told me to try and ignore you. I need to let you talk to me, let you care for me. No me talk to you. So now, everyday I wait for you to IM me. I try my hardest to try and not talk to you. But one day I have to tell you how I feel.
I’m happy just to know how you feel. Even though you don’t love me as much as I love you, as long as you know that I love you, that is all that really counts right now. I still haven’t told you how I feel yet. I have to tell you. But I just feel like it’s the right time yet. I know it is, but I just don’t feel like …. I don’t know.. I guess im just scared. I bet in time I will open up again.
Will I ever be able to deserve you again? If not… then I’m okay with that. Because I know that you want to move on. But I’m not willing just yet. Even if you are with another, I will still love you… just you know that. My feelings don’t really change that easy. Once it’s changed it will take a while till it change again.
I know my feelings for you will take a longer time. This is my first time loving a guy this much. My first boyfriend, my first ex boyfriend, everything is so new to me. Now I can just hope, hope that one day a second chance will happen. And I still make it right next time.
I felt bad, torn apart, when I found out from lily, that you don’t love me anymore. But then I thought… I knew the truth, I should be happy. Better then living a world of lies. Knowing clues but not the truth. But ever since I asked you for the answer, you told me, and now… I feel better, because I heard it from you.
Before I gave up on hope… but now I need that hope. I’m hoping that there will soon come a second chance for me and you.
Ohh… just to tell you… I will always be there to congats you when you get another. I will always be there no matter what. I said before that I will love you no matter what. And you know what that means? Even though I feel the pain that I have now,,, I will still love you. No matter how much you hurt me… I still love you. Seeing you with another, I still love you.
I said even though we can’t be… we can always be close friends… I mean it. Here it goes again… NO MATTER WHAT as long as we are friends that will be good enough for me. Only if the level of relationship doesn’t work/wont happen. I believe that one day it will come back… but only if we work things out. To me, that’s the only way.
I’m a weak girl. Im not brave like the others. I can’t just walk up to you and tell you how I feel. It takes me time. Time to think over how I feel before I tell. And now, I feel that I’m not quite ready yet. So imma keep this to myself first. As soon as I feel that I’m ready, I will tell you. Just wait for me. If you’re willing to.
I want you to be happy. I put all the pain in me by letting you go, so that you are happy. Why bother to keep someone that doesn’t have you back. Like you said before, what is the point of liking someone if they don’t love you back! It’s the same deal. I want you to be happy. And what you want is to move on. And that’s what you will get. I will be happy for you :) … cause I love you …. forever and one day. Actually… till the day I die and forever on.

10.20.05
Every night… I dream of you and me, hoping one day it will come true again. Cause me dreams have came true once and I hope it will come true again. I know one day It will happen for us again. I know we can work things out. We just need to know who will speak first. And I hope when I let you read this… I will be the one speaking. At less one of us speaks first.
I wonder… if that second change does come… would it be the same as before or will it be different. And if it’s the different…then how? Would different be better or same? *sigh* who gives… I don’t care anymore. All I want is you. I want you to love me but that is something I can’t control. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for sounding like I can make you love me. I don’t want to make you love me. I want you to just love me by yourself. I just want you. Because I love you and only you.
I’m wondering again… when you read this… will you finally believe me… that I love you, I’m okay if you don’t. Cause I write this so that I don’t feel bad inside cause I’m letting it out. Well, on paper. Well, better than keeping it inside that causes that pain in.

Sometimes I wonder… if you really love me… just to tell you… I did like you when I first talked to you. More and more I talked to you… I fell in love. I was so happy when you asked me. I can’t believe I actually said yes… even though I knew I wasn’t ready yet.
The past month... I was very very happy, knowing a guy love me for who I am… and they love me. Actually love me back and I love them too… :)

10.22.05
What should I do now? I’m always sitting here with like nothing to write about. I don’t have much to write down… cause its like I’m not sure about my decisions yet… even though I know I love you.

10.25.05
You are my fortress, someone that protects me.

10.26.05
Just say for now, we can just be friends… very close friends. I still love you but I guess we can get to know each other better first. I’m okay that you still kinda have feelings for me… but I just feel that we don’t know each other enough just yet; I hope you do still love me… I know I will. Somehow I just think one summer passes too fast. And on summer is not enough to know one person. You know that I mean? Well… just know that no matter what, I still will love you! <3 :) nothing can pull me apart from you. :) <3
Do you remember the time when we first talked to each other? It’s like... I felt so sad that you broke up with Ruthie. I IMed you and we started talking. We would talk a lot every single day. I was so happy. And then I realized I liked you. I never knew that it would happen but it did. And I’m happy it did happen because without you, I’d feel lost.
The day I met you face to face… I was like… Whoa! Then the word like became love. I fell in love with you. The time we had together was awesome. It was the most precious time of my life. I was so happy… I never thought I was good enough for anyone, but you made me feel so special, because I know I’m loved.

10.27.05
Hmm… what should I write about…? For an awesome reason, I smile whenever I talk and/or think about you. When I talk to you or even just hear your voice I smile. Why do you think I laugh and smile when I talk to you at night? Right now… just thinking of you I smile. :) I just keep wondering… if this relationship will work out. HaHa… I’m a happier person now.

10.31.05
Hey… you know what’s cool? Yesterday when I woke up… I heard your voice. It was like singing to me. The wonderful music to my ears. After a while… I had song “make you mine” stuck in my mind.

Jealousyy. I'm sorry.

I swear i will NEVER read that again ! The more I read it; the most heartbreak i feel ! It makes me wanna push you away. Its as if nothing matters anymore. as if anything that comes out of that mouth means nothing. i congratulate you. and hope you have a happy life, cause either way; i died ! it's cute; your sweet, she deserves everything you got. None should be for me; (girl what are you still doing here, you don't belong here.)

What am I saying. I can't ever tell you shit directly to you. I find that fuckin' retarded ! You just don't get anything that's going though my mind. you've only got like 30% why i'm like this and reasons why i shouldn't be like this. i have my own reasons why i'm jealous; its the fact that your happy with another girl. I say that i don't give a fuck about what you do and whatever. but when my feelings come to place, that does matter. EVERYTHING matters.

you tell me that your still here; and that at least you didn't ditch me. I know that you still care and that you still visit me. and yes that means something. but all that is going to change. i don't know if you know it, but i know fo'sure its ganna change. and when that day comes, your not ganna admit it, until it happens again. i appreciate that you care. and i want to thank you a lot. i'm happy for you. and i hope you live a happy life. don't make the same mistake again. don't make me have to say "i told you so" and as much as i wanna say that; I'm sorry... I just might have lied.

but i do wish you two luck; and i hope you never treat her wrong. I'm serious. once you start, we're ganna stop there okay ? I don't wanna be the bad one in guilt in the end.

Better today - Coffey

To see your face
To hear your voice
And all the touch you
Is a dream come true
So I’m standing here
With my hand held out
Knowing that your love will never fade
I stand amaze
Without a doubt

And I wanna hear your voice in the morning when I rise
I think know I’m just a normal man only made of sand
Except when you’re by my side
Will you love me, teach me, don’t leave me, I pray
And when I and I’m thinking about the times
Your hands in mine
Together we’ll stay
You made me better today
Then I was before
And now my heart can rest
And I will search no more
You made me better today
Today

My heart has wings or you take me away
And every prayer I ever prayed
Was answered today
So I’m standing here
With my hard held out
Knowing that my love will never leave
My hearts on my sleeves
And now I believe

And I wanna hear your voice in the morning when I rise
I think know I’m just a normal man only made of sand
Except when you’re by my side
Will you love me, teach me, don’t leave me, i pray
And when I and I’m thinking about the times
Your hands in mine
Together we’ll stay
You made me better today
Then I was before
And now my heart can rest
And I will search no more
Cause you made me better today

I stand
Proclaim
True love is here to say
I stand
Proclaim
Forever starts today
Today

You made me better today
Then I was before
And now my heart can rest
And I will search no more
Cause you made me better today
Then I was before
And now my heart can rest
And I will search no more
You made me better today
Today
Made me better
Today


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3CFcRYaCBYw

can't and aren't together

There's only two reasons why we can't and aren't together.
* The reason you have for not being together
* The reason I have for not being together

It's just that simple. We still love eachother; that I'm sure of, but we can never be. The question is why ? You tell me why all the time, and I understand. I also agree with you. Cause I have reasons too. It's just I don't know what it is.. I just know that I feel happy around you, and everything is trouble free. It's like a story of two lovers that can never be together. I really don't know where I'm getting with this. I guess no one is the blame for all this. Just know that I love you; and We'll forever be best friends forever ! Promise me you wouldn't leave me when you find the right one; just like I promise you the same. We'll forever be together^^ <3

something random xD

I have so much I want to tell you; and when I get the chance, I've got nothing to say.

Who Am I to say you love me ?
Who Am I to say you miss me ?
Who Am I to say you need me ?
Who Am I to say anything about you and me ?
Why don't you tell me; so I can say you love me, miss me, and need me.

^that was SO random. Haha, Who Am I to say - Hope <-- Fantastic song !



Thank you; for always being there for me. Thank you. <33

And now...

I'm back to my old self. Even with all this, my past still comes back and bits me in the ass. I'm drowning in my own pain; and it gets higher with his pain. All I can do is sit here and hold it all in; even the tears.

I'm back ! And it starts all over again; but worst.

I'm back ! :D

That was the most awesome family vacation ever! I think I'm ganna go back to visit them again in two years. Even though people there don't have any manners there what to ever, and the fact that they smoke everywhere.. and the air is humid and stuffy... it was still fun.

After 2 weeks of vacationing, i feel much more eased about all the drama in the past. And then I came back to my life. Now I'm living though the toughest problem I've ever encountered. Even though this problem doesn't really have anything to do with me, I still take it in as my own. You know why? It's because this problem involves with two people that are most dear to me. The one I love, and my loving cousin. I know that he's wrong, but no matter what, he's still my cousin, no matter now great or crap he is. If he isn't scared to go to jail, I'm scared for him. I know all this is hurting him deep inside. I can feel his pain. It haunts me in my sleep. When he's not okay, I can feel it. His problems become my problems.

We this differently, and still we feel the same pain. I know that he might not feel me hurting, but I can feel his pain. I understand the pain he's going though.

Right now, I really can care less about you coming back to me. Cause at this point, I really don't think I have a chance anymore. I just want you to know that this isn't worth it. I know that you see this as the best and worst thing that has ever happened in your life. but trust me, if you don't go down that dark path... you will live to laugh about all this. I know you are lost right now, you are confused on what to do next. All you know, is... "I love Quyen, I need to get her back"

Is it worth it?... To throw your life down the drain, not being able to get her back, not being able to apply for a job, not being able to support a family. Is that really the life you want to live? Think about it, Is it really worth it? Cause if it was me, I'd rather go though loving someone painfully for the rest of my life, then to throw it all down the drain.

You say your 18 already. Yes I am aware of that, your not a little boy anymore. But why are you still playing such little boy games? always taking the easier way out. Be a man and start taking care of things the right way. And yes, you kinda are running out of time to find another girl. But then you have to think about it this way... your five girlfriends... were high school love. What about college? Have you forgotten about that? And you say you want a family with her right? don't you think thats a little too soon? cause seriously, 18 is WAY too young. A 19 year old girl is too young to be a mother. Do you really think shes even old enough yet? she's only 17.

And do you know HOW much responsibility you have to carry as a father? Where's your job? without a job, you don't have money, and no money means no home&food&&anything to take care of the baby. Yes; the mother can work, but then who takes care of the baby? hire a babysitter? which also uses money. Do you really think its that easy? yes; it is easy to make a baby, but what about all the responsibility that comes behind it? You can't just throw them all away. Then there IS no family.

You tell me, Is it really worth it? you tell me ! I set my own feelings aside for yours. And sometimes I feel like you don't even give a crap about it. you deny the truth. You don't want to believe all this is happening, I know it's hard. I know that there is hate. Alex...? Life isn't fair. Trust me, it may seem hard now, but it just gets harder. Feelings grow, and they fade; even AFTER marriage. and even after 20 years of marriage. So you tell me, is it still worth it? This is just teenage love. Get over it okay? It's hard, and its ganna take time. Hold on, and be strong. I'm right there with you.

Just a little longer...

Just a little longer...



Then I can finally leave all this behind.



And pray that it doesn't follow me.



Cause I don't know how long i can live with this.



Why can't you just LEAVE ME ALONE already! I didn't DO anything to you!



Just a little longer...

Thank you! <3

Thank you to those of you that still understand me. But if i really do get on your nerves tell me yea? I don't want to lose even more friends.








Thank you again! really. <33

Five more days.

Five More Days.






With me gone for a while, Hope y'all be happy without me.







Goodbye Everyone!

Replys

i don't hate u because of wat u think thats only like the smalles t part of it. its cuz we are all jux sick and tired of all the drama that u create when u don't get along wif kuyen. i mean i act the same way sometimes wif bryan and his friend ships wif angie and ashely. but then me and erika are jux very tired of it and everytime u complain to bryan ur taking up his time that he can spend talking to me. i mean i spend so little time wif him and sinc eu complain to him cuz hes the only one not annoyed now its taking his time away from me. plus u kno he used to like u. its the same reason y kuyen doesn't like u. cuz u tend to get kinda clingy. i mean i lost joyce to u already i dont' want to lose bryan too. since kuyen and alex can avoid u its all good but then me and bryan can't advoid u. so its like ur ruining things for us.

Well Sorry that you feel that way, because I didn't mean to complain. I'll just stop talking to him then. I only tell him cause he asks whats wrong. If I KNEW he was annoyed of me... then He should have just told me. I would have just shut the fuck up about everything. But either way, you still shouldn't call me a slut and stuff. Everything would have been better if everyone just told me straight out what the hell was going on in the mind! I feel so stressed when I find out stuff like this. Why don't you guys just tell me straight out?! it causes less drama~! Bryan; if your reading this, If I ever annoy you THAT much, just tell me to shut the fuck up.

you know. quyen once told me that she asked you to promise her that you wouldnt talk to alex late at night. YOU promised HER. and guess what? YOU broke that promise.

I barely talk to him at all. Sometimes I forget the time or it's just a 5-10 min talk. Tell her I'm sorry if thats the reason why she hate me. the most I can do now Is just not to talk to him ever again. I mean, If everyone hates me for talking to their boyfriends. I rather not have all this hate going on. seriously, I mind as well just leave this earth and make everyone else in this world happy! Alex; If your reading this, Goodbye.

Special post to Birthday boy!

Happy birthday Ryan Lo-Lo!! :D

Why wouldn't you answer my IMs! >=(

and the stupid internet cutt off when i was typing this last night... so I couldn't wish you a happy birthday until you called me and woke me up this afternoon:P Hope to see ya laters! :D

Happy Independence Day!

Oh, and I wish EVERYONE a Happy Independence day!

Alex; I'll pray for you again tonight. And hopefully you're arm will be all better tomorrow.

I told you god IS there(: He answered my prayers.


Oh; Happy Birthday Bryan! Happy Birthday Grandpa!:D Hope you had a FANTASTIC one! :D

Questions&&Sorries.

Come think back on life, who really did the mess-ups? Was it me that caused everything for myself? Or was it the people that are around me? What can I do to make my life today and my tomorrowS mucho better? I know that living the way I am today isn't going to help me any further. Not that it has ever halped me before. But the question is... why can't I do anything about myself? As if my worst enemy is myself. I feel like as if i've lost total control of myself. I always seem to let the people around me push me around. I don't have the curage to stand up for myself.

I know more then you all think I know. For some odd reason, when it comes to putting into action, I don't budge. I just want everyone to know that I am trying my very best to move on with my life. I also don't want to lose the people that I have around me. If I continue to live the way I do today, I will lose ALL my closest friends. Even though the say that their not going to leave me now, but watch; when I get annoying enough... their all ganna want to just kill me.

I'm scared. And still I can't and won't do anything about it. People are starting to talk shit behind my back, but they all think I don't know scrap about it. Well guess again. I know more then you think I do. I know that I may have some bad habits and it annoys people, but do know that I'm not doing it on purpose. To tell you the truth, I don't even know why there are people out in this world that HATE my living guts. What have I ever done to them? You tell me, What have I ever done to you?

Sammi ; Why do you hate me? What Have I ever done to you? All I did was TRY to help you and Bryan. And you know what I get back? Hate. You make think I don't know anything, but I KNOW you hate me. You keep thinking that I'm trying to take Bryan away from you, but I'm not. I never even done anything like that. I will NEVER use someone as a re-bound. and exspecially not my friends boy-friend. If I really wanted to use a guy as a re-bound, I would have don't so a LONG time ago. Just think about that.

Quyen ; From the beginning, I wanted to be your friend. And maybe it was the first impression that made our relationship rockyy. Whatever it is, I'm sorry. What I don't get is... why don't you trust Alex? with me... We've been best friends since our break-up and even before then. So I'm not trying to take him away from you by saying we're best friends. Alex loves you for you. You need to trust that. There were SO many times, that we apoigized to eachother... and said that we'd be friends. But for some reason, it always falls apart. I gave you my trust... and you seem to break them every time.

Seriously, I don't know what made me seem like such a bad girl to you guys... but If you know me well enough... I'm not like that. I just don't like it when people try to rub stuff in my face. It makes me feel LOWer then I already am. I hope you guys don't take this the wrong way, and talk behind my back again and about this post. I'm really trying my best to hold all the pain&&anger in. I'm sorry EVERYONE for all the annoyance and for all the time that was wasted.

I want everyone to know... It's really not easy being me. This is my life and I know you all have hard times too. Just understand... I'm ganna need a LOT of time... getting over the "first's.. of everything in my life" If you can, please bare with me.


I'm Sorry EVERYONE!

Music=life

If you were mine - Marcos Hernandez = I remember when I first listen to this song, I was talking to you on the phone for the very first time. You asked me what I was singing, and I said "If you were mine"

Last cry - Deestylistic = This one was a funny story. I misunderstood you. I thought you wanted to break up with me, but you said that it wasn't like that. I cried when i
first heard it. Hana said she wanted to beat you up. Haha.

One wish - Ray J = This was one of those songs that we would always sing to eachother just for the fun if it. I miss those times.

All my life - KC&Jojo = Something beyond words can explain. Everything just felt so right. The first person that comes to mind would always be you.

StickwituU - Pussycat Dolls = I dedicated this song to you after we broke up. We were going to Costco. and this song went on the radio, you looked at me and smiled. I smiled and continue singing.

We belong together - Mariah Carey = On that same day, we were in Costco as you and william were goofing around, I was standing by the radios crying to this song.

BabyGirl - Innervoices = I love this song. you want to know whyy? this is the song we would always sing to eachother. Every time one of us start singing the first line, we end up singing together. I want to hear your voice again T.T

Butterfly kisses - Bob Carlisle = I remember you told me to play this song on the day of our marriage. and let my daddy listen to it as everyone cries. cute huh?:P

Come back to me shawty - Tyrese = Only memories I have of this song... was in Joyce's car. We were on the way to church, and she told me that you wanted me to listen to this song. I cried, but didn't do anything about it.

I'm missing you - Bobby Tinsley = I believe you sent me this song cause it related to how you felt. to tell you the truth, that was how I felt too. you never left my mind. if just seemed like you did.

Never give up on love - Bobby Tinsley = you used this song to keep yourself up. told yourself&& told me not to give up on love. cause love comes back if its true love. (stuff like that)


There was a lot more, but so far, thats all I can this of on top of my mind. Thank you for the memories. now its ganna haunt me for the rest of my life.

To my closest friend: Congrats.

This day has finally came. You have no clue, how long i have been waiting for this day. What did i tell you? I told you that you will make it to this day. I'm so proud of you! and you know what? I'm glad that im going to be there to see it. I dont think i can live on, if i missed today. There's so much that i feel, i dont even know how i can explain all this in words. You cause so much pain in my life. But then again, I know i have caused this all for myself. I dont care anymore. I just want to see you happy. I want to see you up on that stage. smiling to everyone around you. I believe that I'm one of the ones that are the most proud of you. (besides you mom(: ) I bet your moms more proud of you then i am. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. I want to congratulate you. You have worked your way up to this day. You have worked hard. I hope that you will learn your lesson and do better in the future then you did in high school. Promise me that you will always do your best. cause like i always say... "try your best, cause thats all you really can do." I believe in you. you deserve all that your going though. I'll i got to say is... I'm proud of you. Made me feel like I did something good. Even though i didnt do anything. YOU did!(:

Alex; I love you. And I will ALWAYS love you, no matter what. I'm proud of you. Thank you for everything. You have taught me a lot in life. And i thank you for that. I hope you have learned a lot about life too.(: <33333

It's been such a LONG time since I updated this journal. I really should start writing in this again. I think once I get my scanner fixed... I'll start scanning my pictures that I've drawn over like half the year. But i don't know when Imma fix it-.-" just pray that i don't mess it up even more... I'm not much of a "computer" person. haha:P

Anyways... Life's gay as Always(: seriously-.-"

Am I right?

Hey,

I guess some promises were just meant to be broken. Am I right?

Yays.

I got my journal back:D Thanx.

Die.

Just die. Bitch; just die... please?


























The day's come. Everyone HATES me now. goodbye world.

My journal.

So much things have happened and I've just been to lazy to write it all down. I think back and I can remember everything so clear. But It's like all just a memory if I don't write it down. It's been so long since I've written in my journals about something personal. As if my memories will just slowly fade away, nothing but a feeling of something like that happening. Sometimes I ask myself, "why do I even bother to write down so much unhappy things?" when I write in my journal, i write in it thinking about how I can one day look back at it and laugh. Or maybe just tell myself "I remember that day". As I read back, it's as if I'm re-living my whole life again. I kinda regret not starting a journal when I was in third grade. My daddy always told me to keep one. I never kept it. I thought that life wasn't that interesting. Now that I think back, I could have had that habit of keeping one. So now, I would be like.. "I can't go a day without writing in my journal" ha-ha. Oh well, that was in the past. I'm a sophomore now, and going on to junior year at the end of 08'. Everything that has happened in the past will never leave me. I tend to remember all the most important days, and everyday with the people I love; are very important days. I doubt I will forget about them THAT easily. I can remember everything have happened over the last three to four years like it was all yesterday. I never wrote a journal back then. Well, I kinda did... but my teacher ripped it up. That was back when I was in 8th grade, before Alex and I started our second relationship. I remember the things I wrote down on those papers. They were all words to prove to Alex how much I loved him. He always asked me why I love him. I never gave him an answer. I wrote it all on those papers, those papers that Alex have never read. I still remember the things I wrote on those papers. HA... they we're so cheesy. And you know what? I didn't know enough about "love" to even explain the feelings I have for Alex. Only if I know what was going to happen AFTER all that, I could explain everything much better. Sigh. The past will always follow me. And all I can do is live on and continue to build these memories. Weather their good or bad, I will always remember them. That's why I should keep a journal, so I can remind myself or whats good and whats bad. What I've gone though to get myself where I am today. I should really start writing in my journal again. Sigh.

Unexpected

I Have something planned.. This is going to be hard. I don't know how all this will work out, but I will try by best. When that day comes, I can't wait to see the expression on your face. It'll be so unexpected. I really hope that you will love it.

It's going to be a while from now, but I better start if I'm going to make this all work out perfectly.




Hmm... I haven't been writing in my journals for a long time now. I have been going though so much, but just never got the time or the mood to write it all down. MAYBE because I don't "have" my journal with me YET. Where ever it is, please come back to me ASAP(: I have a lot to tell you:D

Why? How?

Why Am I Always Killing Myself?!?
Why Do I Always Screw Myself Up In Everything I Do?!?
Why! Why! WHY!?!
Why Does This Happen To Me?
Why Can't I Just Live A Pain-Free Life?
Why Did I Let Myself Fall For You?
Why Did I Put Myself In Denial?
Why Did I Ever Let You Leave?
Why Why Why!?!?
I Don't Deserve To Love, Or Hate Anyone Else But Me.
How Can I Love, When I Can't Even Love Myself?
How Can I Hate When There's No one Hurting Me, But Myself?

Does it even matter?

You know what? I really don’t matter anymore. Weather I’m there or not, it wouldn’t make a difference. And no matter how hard I try, I can’t get you out of my mind. All I can do every night… is wait for that call that never comes. Cry myself to sleep, knowing that I don’t matter anymore. Remember when you told me, that you would be sad if I just left… what if… I really just left. Would you even care now? I don’t think so. I really don’t believe you care anymore. I mean, why would I even matter… I’m nothing to you now… MAYBE, just maybe… in memories. Who knows if I’m still there.

signs?

Dude. I'm watching a movie, and I was yelling stuff out like "Once a cheater, always a cheater." because there was this lady that was married to this guy for like 20 years, and he has a 2 wife and a little boy about the age of 6. There was a lot more, I just can't remember them. Then I think to myself... I was in the situation-.-" ohh.. another one.. umm... valentines day.. a guys EX comes back for a little talk... as a friend.. and she fell asleep in his shoulder. I yelled out... "He's taken now, leave him alone.." then again.. i thought to myself... What am I talking about... how come you can say it and not do it? I'm such an hypocrite. Which Sammi calls me, when I give her my advice/opinion. Sighh.

Wonder.

I wonder, If I don't talk to you for a week... what will happen? Would you totally not notice? Would you even care? I feel like... you don't want anything to do with me anymore. Everyday, I try so hard not to think about you. I try so hard to tell myself that you are happy and that I should just leave you alone. I hold all my emotions in right now. I'm really trying... but how long do you think I can hold all this in? I guess I just need some way to let it all out. So... I'll express myself in here.

Not going to update...

I'm not planning on updating this blog for a while. I don't feel... good about writing right now. I'm not really in the mood. When I am, I'll come back(:

Complicated life right now.




Just know, I will always love you Alex. Seriously.

Prom dress.

Today, my parents, sister, and I went to Marriott hotel to watch a Ballroom completion. It was pretty cool I guess. I fell asleep. You have no clue how tired I was. What I like most about the whole thing, was the dresses. There were so many pretty dresses. I got some new ideas for my future prom dress ;D It's going to be so pretty!:D senior year prom! :D thats 2 years to plan out my dress. Hee-Hee(: Don't really feel like talking, so yea. good night everyone. I'm really sick right now, so I really need to sleep. So yea.

Energy - Natalie

"Energy"
(feat. Baby Bash)

[Baby Bash]
Energy, digging on your energy
Energy, digging on your energy
Energy, digging on your energy. energy

[Chorus 2x]
Boy, I'm digging on your energy (Energy)
And I'm digging what you telling me (Telling me)
So I wrote this little melody (Melody)
And dedicate it to my favorite lover

[Verse 1 - Natalie]
I'm lying in bed
There's thoughts in my head
I'm thinking bout you
Over and over and over and over again
What can I tell you, you got me so twisted
Tossing and turning
Over and over and over and over again
So I wrote a song tonight (Tonight)
You weren't begging me to write (To write)
Tell me is it cool tonight (Tonight)
To let you know what's on my mind

[Chorus 2x]
Boy, I'm digging on your energy (Energy)
And I'm digging what you telling me (Telling me)
So I wrote this little melody (Melody)
And dedicate it to my favorite lover

[Verse 2 - Baby Bash]
Rain and shine sleet and snow
Couldn't stop the way we flow
Welcome to my miracle
And I'm digging on your lyrical
Your melody is my remedy
Squeeze to my Hennessey
The one to call when I'm sipping for
With the candy coated Tennessee
Just make a wish.
And let's make it official with your boy Baby Bash with some heavenly bliss
Because your kisses on my lips, girl I'm ready to roll
With so vicious and bubblicious, the energy's throwed

[Chorus 2x]
Boy, I'm digging on your energy (Energy)
And I'm digging what you telling me (Telling me)
So I wrote this little melody (Melody)
And dedicate it to my favorite lover

[Verse 3 - Natalie]
Boy, you know that I dig you
I fell in love when I met you
I love the way you make me feel
Your energy is something real (Fa. sho.)
Boy, I love the way (I love the way)
You make me feel (You make feel)
Is something bout you loving me
Can't do without your energy

[Chorus 2x]
Boy, I'm digging on your energy (Energy)
And I'm digging what you telling me (Telling me)
So I wrote this little melody (Melody)
And dedicate it to my favorite lover

[Baby Bash]
Energy, digging on your energy
Energy, digging on your energy
Energy, digging on your energy. energy


Alex, do you remember this song? It was back in 05' when I dedicated this song to you. You loved this song so much; you made a layout for you Xanga. I think back, remember when you told me to sing this song, but no matter now hard I try, I can’t sing the guy part? And you keep telling me to practice and try harder; eventually I’ll be able to sing it? As I’m listening to this song right now, I still can’t sing his part. :P You know what reminded me of this song today? I was eating at dinner with my parents, and Energy went on. I started reminiscing back again. And this is where I got this song back in.

Valentine's day.

It's this time of year again. The day when all the singles suffer the pain of not having the one THEY love by them. It's singles awareness day. Who needs a guy when there are so many friends out there that care about you right? It's just a day of sharing love, you don't NEED to be taken, even though it feels much better.

Well, today was... depressing as always. I mean, if I’m sad normally, imagine today… I wanted to cry so many times, but I made a promise that I wouldn’t cry today. I’ll be strong for my friends’ sake. But I can’t guarantee that I can keep this up any longer. I might cry tonight. Or maybe cry myself to sleep again. I look back on the roses I got in the past, and I think about how I got them, and cherished them. Now that I want to cherish it, I don’t have any to do so.

I went to 花岛 to eat with some friends.(After school) I remembered when Alex and I went there to eat that one afternoon. We were at my house alone. My sister went to the mall with her friends. Alex was hungry, and I was lazy to cook, so we went out to eat. We both got curry I believe. I was complaining that there wasn’t enough rice. And Alex told me, “How do you know you don’t have enough, if you haven’t started eating? Just finish it first.” Ha-Ha. In the end, I didn’t even finish the curry, he did though. And we fought over the bill too. He won-.-“ like always… good times, good times.

I wonder what Alex got Quyen for Valentine’s Day. I think I won’t talk to him today… just because I believe they should spend every second together. I know that they can do more stuff than I can ever do with him. I know that they can have much more fun then I can ever have with him. That’s why they should enjoy ever moment together; this is their first valentine’s day together. I hope they have fun.

I remember our first valentine’s day together. He came all the way to my house at night, just to give me Pandiiee and candy with a rose (: Like I said, moments I cherish… that I can’t cherish anymore. I love you Alex. I don’t care what people say. I don’t care what you say, but I just love you. No one can stop that now. It’s too late to turn back on love. I just love you. I know that there may never be that chance again, but I will still love you. I don’t know if I’m even making sense right now, I just need you to understand how I feel about you. I know that you say that you know how I feel. But I just need to express it even more. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you. I can’t forgive myself for EVER hurting you. I really don’t give a Dam about anything else right now. I just miss you. I just need you. I just love you.

Hey, it’s Valentine’s Day… love the one you love. Show that you love them. I don’t know how I can show mine… How can I show you I love you?

I want you back - Johnny

Yo, this ones for you,
Hope you like it.

You ever get this feeling,
That we we’re meant to be.
Well suddenly,
A flash of light came shinning on me.
I started squinting at the light,
I drop to my knee’s
And realize it was god
that was smilein’ down at me
And he said listen son
You need to make this quick
I’m here to help you out
Yes and I’ll grant you one wish.
One opportunity, yeah kid
Just one request
Just don’t get greedy and selfish kid
Just show respect
So I said listen father
I say prayers everyday
I want you to know that I’m
I’m happy that you came
You probably know already
But Imma let you know
See there’s this girl in my life
But I can’t let her go
She’s always on my mind
And she’s some sort of curse
I always think about her
Can’t even finish a verse
He said okay I’ll help
I’ll help show you the way
Please, oh please, oh please
God, what word should I say?

(x2)
Just let me show for the record I know
I made mistakes
I regret what I was willing to face
But know that I’ll take you back
If I could yes I would
Cause girl I miss your touch
Love you so much and I want you back


God said that he understood me
And he gon bring her back
He only had one question
Do I really want her back?
Oh yes I want her back
And I’ll do anything
I’ll walk a thousand miles
I’ll serve a thousand kings
I’ll clime the highest mountain
I’ll fight the biggest thug
I’ll do what ever it takes
So I could prove my love
So then I close my eyes
And then I open them
Next thing I know
She was standing there right next to him
I got up off my knees
And then she ran to me
I rapped my arms around her
And she kissed me on the cheek
I said I love you baby
Promise I’ll never leave
I looked into her eyes
And she smiled back at me
But then god came to us
And placed his hand on me
He said I’m sorry child
You’re just not meant to be
I screamed what do you mean?
He said just go to sleep
Next thing I know
I wake up and it was just a dream

(x2)
Just let me show for the record I know
I made mistakes
I regret what I was willing to face
But know that I’ll take you back
If I could yes I would
Cause girl I miss your touch
Love you so much and I want you back

Its morning I’m still thinking
One dream just how I feel
Why couldn’t that have happened?
Dam I swear that dream was real
I’m sick and tired of guessing
I really need to know
She needs to know that I still love her
And can’t let her go
I need to speak to her now
I ain’t got that much time
I jump to the computer
Quick and I go sign online
I’m searching for her screen name
I’m looking up and down
Oh finally I found it
So I click on the mouse
I open up her info
Not trying to be selfish
I thought I saw my initials
But they were someone else’s
And next to the initials
Followed a little heart
Right then I knew she had a new boyfriend
And it crushed my heart
See I just had that feeling
Knew it was just to late
Next to the heart and initials
I saw a month and day
That days December 7th
Wait, that was yesterday
Guess I’ve been waiting on someone
Who’s been taken away?
You ever get that feeling
You’re just not meant to be
I think I have that feeling
I guess that sucks for me
I sit in my room thinking
Where do I go from here?
I can’t believe I’m crying
Use my sleeves to wipe my tears
Why did I ever leave you?
How could I be so stupid?
And now you fallen for someone else
God dam that cupid
Why won’t things ever work out?
I guess I’ll be alright
But I wish you good luck
And hope you lead a happy life
I won’t ever forget you
But its time to move on
I go to grab my jacket
And I put my shoes on
See I believe in soul mates
One day I’ll find the one
But I won’t stop until then
Not until my search is done

(x2)
Just let me show for the record I know
I made mistakes
I regret what I was willing to face
But know that I’ll take you back
If I could yes I would
Cause girl I miss your touch
Love you so much and I want you back


I typed out these lyrics this morning. I’m planning to memorize this song too(: Thank you Alex for sending this song to me. I love it(:

Not that bad.

So, Evelyn and Alex were planning on going somewhere last Saturday for his birthday. But then it got canceled because Alex's sister came down so that she could eat dinner with him. Well, we moved it to today. Um... we planned it to start at 11:30. I went out to eat dim dum with my family just like every other Sunday. I thought we were going to head back to lily's house or something. But then the parents wanted to walk around at the festival on Garvy or was it Valley? … Oh well. I ditched them, well not really because I told them I'm leaving, and went to CVS. Alex waited for Evelyn there too. Then I found out that he had to go pick Nicole and Camille at Puente hill mall, but then there weren’t enough seats, so Alex drove to Santa Anita mall and dropped Evelyn and I off first, then went to pick them up. He dropped us off at 12 something. And then we waited for like almost 2 hours. They got lost on their way there. Well, they finally got there to Santa Anita mall at like 2 something. Alex didn’t eat yet, so we went to Johnny rockets to eat. I got a milkshake that I couldn’t finish-.-“ Alex got burger & fries. Eh, Alex was annoyed and cranky. I told Evelyn to stop talking and just let him chill and think. Alex kinda yelled, and kuyen came to ask him if he’s okay. I didn’t say anything because I think it’s better if he just got some time and just peace and quiet for a while. Um… after that, Alex wanted to go to Borders, so we chilled for like 2 hours there? I don’t know. There weren’t enough seats in his car to go somewhere else, so Evelyn decided to leave. So that left Alex, Quyen, Camille, Nicole and I. They all decided to go to Nicole’s house to watch a movie, I just tagged along. At 6:00 my sister called and tells me to go home. So eh, I went home. Then we got lost on the way-.-“ we went around the same area like ten trillion times! Well. I called William, and he told me to take 10 wests, 605 souths, and then 60 East. So I did choose the right one, to take the 10 west. Ha-ha. Well yea, then there was traffic. Which gave me a major head ache, I got over it. Umm ... I got home and eh. Took a shower, and I’m super tired. My legs can barely stand, and my eyes barely stay open. I think I’m going to sleep earlier today. Today was a good day. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I love you Alex. I’m glad I got to spend some time with you today, even though we didn’t really talk, Ha-ha. Thank you. For everything.

Kill me.

You know what? My prediction was right. You told me that nothing will break us apart. No one will ever break our friendship. You’re wrong Alex. Time tore our relationship apart. You haven’t talk to me in like 3 days. When I IMed you, you didn’t even talk to me. All you did was reply… barely. What happened to talking to me? What happened to “were still best friends” “nothing will ever break our friendship” Don’t tell me everything was a lie. Everything you say is just to make me happy. It’s not working anymore Alex. Your actions just show that you don’t care anymore. I bet if I died right now, you wouldn’t even care or even know. I mean why would it matter?

072707
XxTrubleSoldjaxX (1:54:57 AM): and kill me when you have time
XxTrubleSoldjaxX (1:55:01 AM): take care
XxTrubleSoldjaxX (1:55:03 AM): love you
XxTrubleSoldjaxX signed off at 1:55:07 AM.
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XxLadySw33tzxX (1:55:16 AM): im never going to have time.

Well, here’s the day, when I say the very same lines. “Kill me when you have time Alex” and don’t tell me you don’t have the time. Because I know you have time. If you have time with her, I don’t think you’d mind giving a few seconds for me. I you only spend time with her everyday and ever second right? Kill me Alex. I don’t want to live on. I feel like there’s just no point. I can’t live watching you drift further from me everyday. I can’t live, watching you spend more and more time with her, and knowing what you two have together. I just can’t stand it. I bet death is WAY less painful then what I feel. So, kill me when you have time alright?(: thank you.

Someone important.

You are someone very important to me. Without you here with me, without you here by me, without you by my side, I feel alone. I know that there are many people out there that care for me very much, and I know that their important to me too, but you are the one that I love, someone I really need. I understand that you love her now, and I understand that I’m not the same girl that you loved. I know that you don’t love me anymore. But I can’t help, but still love you. You tell me what I can do to lose this pain inside. You tell me how I can get rid of all the emotions I have inside.

I don’t know what I can do to make myself happy. I don’t think I can hold myself together any longer. Who knows, I know I am a strong girl, and I believe I can keep this pain all in. But I don’t know how long I can last. What if one day, I break down from all the emotions and do something stupid. I really don’t know what I’m capable of doing in the future. I know that I wouldn’t do anything stupid right now, because I know what’s right or wrong. What if one day, I go insane and do something I think is right? I don’t know if you would even care. I feel like you wouldn’t, or maybe even know that I went insane.

I’m I getting annoying? Do I talk about you to much? I’m sorry.

“As long as you love me – Backstreet boys” I’m listening to that right now. Random music list too. “I don’t care who you are, where you’re from, don’t care what you did, as long as you love me.”, As long as you love me…

You are someone VERY important to me. I can't afford to lose you. Don't leave. Promise me?

It's always about her.

Why does everything have to be about her? It’s always about somebody else and feels like it’s never my turn. I know that there are times that I may take the glory, but everything always becomes hers. Everything I do never turns out right. Everything I say becomes wrong. What’s the point of living my life, when everything I do is wrong? I understand that I’m not the only person in this world that is like this. I understand that I may be one of the lucky ones. But if you feel the anger, the pain that I feel inside, I bet you wouldn’t know what to do too.

I always forget things. I know that I was about to say something really important, but now I lost my thought. I always say the things to make people around me feel better, but in the end the result of my words become wrong, which screws everything over. Everything I do seems to be good when I’m doing it, wither it’s about school, church, relationships…etc.

I don’t want to believe this reality. Why can’t I fall back asleep? Why can’t I just live the rest of my life like I did 8 months ago? Why can’t I escape the past? Why does it come back to haunt me? Why can’t everything just leave me alone? Many people say that they understand how I feel. And they all tell me to move on. They tell me things that the believe I should know. But the truth is, I already know everything you guys say to me.

Everything that comes out of your mouths, I’ve already thought about. I know what I have to do, I know what I can do, I know what should be done. I know if I live on the way I am, I will never be able to get anywhere in life. I understand. And still, you guys come to me and tell me to move on. Telling me that I know, but why aren’t I putting it into action? I don’t know. I just can’t move on. I can’t forget the fact that he’s finally gone. I hate thinking about everything that will happen, everything that is happening, and everything that has happened.

Can you name ONE thing in my life that could have done right…? Done something that I’ve never messed up on? Why can I ever get anything right? I hate myself for screwing up everything. I hate myself for everything that I have done. I hate this feeling that I have inside me.

You were the only one that ever made me feel like I’m someone special. I know that there are many people that treat me really great, but you were the one that showed me love, in a new level. I can get past everything in my life when your there with me. But now that you don’t love me the same way, the feeling of being safe, feeling special, that love… is gone. I can’t get past the fact that your love is on someone else now.

I love you Alex, but that doesn’t matter. (Great, I lost my thought again) You’ve taught me a lot about life. You’ve made me realize how life goes, and how everything will turn out if I make a wrong turn. Everything you’ve ever done; everything you’ve ever said… there all stuff that I will remember for the rest of my life. And in the end, nothing matters. (Now I remember) I know that your still here. I know that your still me best friend. I know, as long as we still talk to each other, as long as we’re still friends, that’s all the really matters.

But Alex, there is a difference. And you know there is. I keep telling myself that all the really matters, is that we’re still friends. I still can’t leave the fact that your gone. And I don’t think I will ever believe that fact. I still love you, and I really do. We’re drifting apart as each day passes, can you feel it? I don’t think so. She’s all that matters. So treat her right. I know you can. :/

I love you more then you think I do. I love you more then she saids she does. Sometimes I feel like you don't understand how I really feel about you. Or maybe, even if you did, you wouldn't care.

Past dream.

I'm currently listening to the song, "passion - Utada Hikaru" You know what this song reminds me of? There was this one day, back in the day, my whole family went to a Thai Restaurant to eat breakfast. I closed my eyes, and fell asleep as we were all waiting for the food to come out. My mp3 was on, and it was playing this song. I dreamt about the beach, but I wasn't alone. Alex was there and 2 other children. One boy and one girl. We all held hands, and walked along the beach. We were playing tag, and building sand castles. I remember it so well. I can't believe I ever left it behind. So many dreams, so many memories, so many things, all left behind. and now, slowly recovering from the deep sleep of mine. As I recover, I feel like I should just fall back asleep. I want to live my life like nothing exists. I want to live my life like I lived it for the last 8 months. Blinded by everything around me. Not ever noticing whats important in my life. I laugh just thinking back. How stupid I was. How stupid I am. How I crewed myself over. How I caused myself so much pain. I don't blame him for anything because everything is my fault. I just got to say, I'm sorry. And I will wait until the day you come back. And even though I move on, I will break up with him just for you. Cause I said... I want you, I only need you. I know I need to move on, But I know I can't and I won't.

Another Day of Thinking. (I really need better titles.)

You know, now that I really think about it, it feels like I just let 5 months of my life past me by. I was looking back at my music, and you know how they have the “Date added”, well I was looking at that. And I felt like it wasn’t long go when I downloaded that certain song. But when I see the date, it’s like all the way back in August. I think to myself again, was that really that long ago? I mean if I think about it, 5 months is a long time. It felt like yesterday when I said that “Shawty - T-pain” was a stupid song. And that I hate guys like that. Then I look at the date of when I downloaded it… It was back in august 30th of 2007. I was like… WTF!?!
Sigh, time passes to fast, and now that I want time to past faster, it goes super slow. It’s only been one month since I realized. I hate the fact that time passes so slow when I want it to past faster, and time passes so fast when I wanted it to past slower. It wasn’t long ago when I told myself that I don’t want it to be my birthday because that just means that schools ganna be ending soon. And I didn’t want school to end. I think it was because then the seniors will have to graduate. And I like the seniors.
Everything’s so confusing. I really hate this. I don’t know what the hell I should do with my life anymore. I know that he will always be with me. I know that he will always be there for me. But no matter how I put it, it’s never ganna be the same. I know that for sure, I’m still in love with him. And I can’t do anything about him loving me anymore because he’s in love with her now. I’m just scared that one day, he wouldn’t care about me anymore. I’m scared that we will drift so far that we won’t talk to each other.

I don’t want to lose him. I already lost him in reality; I don’t want to lose him friendship wise too. I can’t stand this pain. I can’t believe that time just past like that, and I didn’t even realize that he’s already gone. I’m losing him with every second that passes. I remember the past very well. And I can’t let go of it. I’m trapped within the past and I can’t leave it no matter how hard I try. I don’t have anything to say but the fact that I lost him, and I can’t believe He’s officially gone. There’s no turning back.

Ohh, and feel free to leave a comment. You don't have to have an account. You can just select guest, and type your name(: I just want to see who reads my journal:D

Whats going though my mind.

Wow... again, it's been... a month since I updated this journal. I stopped writing in my personal one too. But then I started again. I guess there are just some things that are better said to myself, like personally then out to the whole world. I'll just summarize how I basically feel right now. But... yet, I don't know how to explain. I feel so emotionless right now. I can seriously go on and on about this for like ever. I guess I can spill something out of my personal journal into this journal. I don't think it would matter that much. Most of my closest friends already know what I'm going though. Even though some say I should just move on, but the truth is, it’s not that easy. For the people that has gone thought what I have, or is starting to go though this... will understand the most how I feel right now.
So basically, I’m still in love with my Ex-boyfriend, Alex Leung. I know that in the past he has hurt me many, many times. But everything has been put to a side right now. I really don’t give a damn about what he did in the past. I just want him back in my arms. I know some of you may tell me to just move on, but I just can’t. It’s really not as easy as you all this it is. Most of you that has been with their partner for like a month or more, seriously, that’s nothing compared to 2 years.
If everyone has gone thought what I have gone though in these two years of my life, then I think this world will fall. Ugh! Going off topic again... Well that’s all in the past, and all can do now is reminisce back. I rather have him cheat on me, and have him back then see him with another girl and knowing I will never have him back. I know that he is happy with her right now. I know that they can have a better life then what I can have with him. And no matter how hard I try, I can’t forget him. It kills me to see him with another girl.
This is what I wrote in my journal today.
“Alex… I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m so confused about you. Do you still love me? Do you have any feeling for me anymore? Do you ever think of me? Even a little bit? Would you ever do something that will harm me again? Even if your not here with me? I don’t know why, but I just love you. I don’t care how much she saids she loves you. I don’t care what she says when you ask her why she loves you. I am not scared to say that I love you more. It’s been 2 years and 2 months since you asked me, “why do you love me?” and up until today, I still don’t know why I love you. I just know that my feelings inside me aren’t fake. Everywhere I go, I think about you. Everything I do, you’re there. Over the years, you changed. I’ve changed you and you know it. I changed you for me. I changed you for your own good. And all she has to say is “I love you because you are capable of changing.” Alex, everyone is capable of changing. Just depends how and why they change. If you love her because she said that, then I can say “I love you because you are capable of changing your bad habits for ME!” but now it sounds like I’m coping her. You said she wants you to graduate right? Well so does everyone else in this world that cares about you. Especially me. If I didn’t want you to graduate, I would have let you continue ditching school. If I didn’t want you to graduate, I wouldn’t have told you to concentrate in school. I believed in you. I believed that you will make it though high school, even though you have had a bad record. Doesn’t that count? And just because she’s helped you on your homework, she’s the only one that wants you to graduate? Well, I’m sorry that I’m not smart and have the same classes as you. If she really wants to help you, she wouldn’t do it for you. She would try to help you and teach you. Not do it for you. Who knows, she might have done it for you just so you two can have more time together. Who knows, I sure don’t. But there’s nothing I can say to change the way things are. You love her and there’s nothing I can do about it. Nothing I say can ever make you come back. There’s no point.”

the true pain.

Its finally 2008. I can never have him again. I have finally realized the truth. I still love alex. I still love him very much. I cant let go of the fact that he has gone. I am nothing tohim but a best friend. I can't have a day of peace without how so called "girlfriend" calling him up in the middle, just so he can go home to her. He's totally in her hands. He's afraid of her. He's afraid that she's going to yell at him. Whats so wrong with hanging out with his bestfriend? ijust want to spend some time with him. i was hoping that i can finally know the truth today, if he would ever love me back. if he will ever come back to me. i need him. i regret ever breaking up with him. only if i gave him a 4th chance. then i wouldnt have got myself into this mess. now, i am nothing but a freind. i cant ever be anything more. i feel so lost. i was scared to kow the truth today. i knew i relized its to late. i cant stop thinking about him. i cant stop staring at him. i know he wants to spend his last year of high school drama free. so i will try to do that for him. every time i see him, i will try not to think about the fact we cant ver be. i will make it easy for him so that he doesnt feel like he's miss treating his "girlfriend". he has learned his lession, not to cheat on his girlfriend. atleast 2 years of my life didnt go down the drain, but helped a guy learn his lession. but still why me? why cant i have something special. and like not screw ever thing up by my stupid misunderstandings. i thought i didnt love him anymore because i liked another guy. but was wrong. at the point in time, i was falling deeper in love. i took the wrong step and this is where it got me. atleast were still friends i guess. nothing will ever be the same. my feelings will never go away.