It's always about her.

Why does everything have to be about her? It’s always about somebody else and feels like it’s never my turn. I know that there are times that I may take the glory, but everything always becomes hers. Everything I do never turns out right. Everything I say becomes wrong. What’s the point of living my life, when everything I do is wrong? I understand that I’m not the only person in this world that is like this. I understand that I may be one of the lucky ones. But if you feel the anger, the pain that I feel inside, I bet you wouldn’t know what to do too.

I always forget things. I know that I was about to say something really important, but now I lost my thought. I always say the things to make people around me feel better, but in the end the result of my words become wrong, which screws everything over. Everything I do seems to be good when I’m doing it, wither it’s about school, church, relationships…etc.

I don’t want to believe this reality. Why can’t I fall back asleep? Why can’t I just live the rest of my life like I did 8 months ago? Why can’t I escape the past? Why does it come back to haunt me? Why can’t everything just leave me alone? Many people say that they understand how I feel. And they all tell me to move on. They tell me things that the believe I should know. But the truth is, I already know everything you guys say to me.

Everything that comes out of your mouths, I’ve already thought about. I know what I have to do, I know what I can do, I know what should be done. I know if I live on the way I am, I will never be able to get anywhere in life. I understand. And still, you guys come to me and tell me to move on. Telling me that I know, but why aren’t I putting it into action? I don’t know. I just can’t move on. I can’t forget the fact that he’s finally gone. I hate thinking about everything that will happen, everything that is happening, and everything that has happened.

Can you name ONE thing in my life that could have done right…? Done something that I’ve never messed up on? Why can I ever get anything right? I hate myself for screwing up everything. I hate myself for everything that I have done. I hate this feeling that I have inside me.

You were the only one that ever made me feel like I’m someone special. I know that there are many people that treat me really great, but you were the one that showed me love, in a new level. I can get past everything in my life when your there with me. But now that you don’t love me the same way, the feeling of being safe, feeling special, that love… is gone. I can’t get past the fact that your love is on someone else now.

I love you Alex, but that doesn’t matter. (Great, I lost my thought again) You’ve taught me a lot about life. You’ve made me realize how life goes, and how everything will turn out if I make a wrong turn. Everything you’ve ever done; everything you’ve ever said… there all stuff that I will remember for the rest of my life. And in the end, nothing matters. (Now I remember) I know that your still here. I know that your still me best friend. I know, as long as we still talk to each other, as long as we’re still friends, that’s all the really matters.

But Alex, there is a difference. And you know there is. I keep telling myself that all the really matters, is that we’re still friends. I still can’t leave the fact that your gone. And I don’t think I will ever believe that fact. I still love you, and I really do. We’re drifting apart as each day passes, can you feel it? I don’t think so. She’s all that matters. So treat her right. I know you can. :/

I love you more then you think I do. I love you more then she saids she does. Sometimes I feel like you don't understand how I really feel about you. Or maybe, even if you did, you wouldn't care.