Does it even matter?

You know what? I really don’t matter anymore. Weather I’m there or not, it wouldn’t make a difference. And no matter how hard I try, I can’t get you out of my mind. All I can do every night… is wait for that call that never comes. Cry myself to sleep, knowing that I don’t matter anymore. Remember when you told me, that you would be sad if I just left… what if… I really just left. Would you even care now? I don’t think so. I really don’t believe you care anymore. I mean, why would I even matter… I’m nothing to you now… MAYBE, just maybe… in memories. Who knows if I’m still there.

signs?

Dude. I'm watching a movie, and I was yelling stuff out like "Once a cheater, always a cheater." because there was this lady that was married to this guy for like 20 years, and he has a 2 wife and a little boy about the age of 6. There was a lot more, I just can't remember them. Then I think to myself... I was in the situation-.-" ohh.. another one.. umm... valentines day.. a guys EX comes back for a little talk... as a friend.. and she fell asleep in his shoulder. I yelled out... "He's taken now, leave him alone.." then again.. i thought to myself... What am I talking about... how come you can say it and not do it? I'm such an hypocrite. Which Sammi calls me, when I give her my advice/opinion. Sighh.

Wonder.

I wonder, If I don't talk to you for a week... what will happen? Would you totally not notice? Would you even care? I feel like... you don't want anything to do with me anymore. Everyday, I try so hard not to think about you. I try so hard to tell myself that you are happy and that I should just leave you alone. I hold all my emotions in right now. I'm really trying... but how long do you think I can hold all this in? I guess I just need some way to let it all out. So... I'll express myself in here.

Not going to update...

I'm not planning on updating this blog for a while. I don't feel... good about writing right now. I'm not really in the mood. When I am, I'll come back(:

Complicated life right now.




Just know, I will always love you Alex. Seriously.

Prom dress.

Today, my parents, sister, and I went to Marriott hotel to watch a Ballroom completion. It was pretty cool I guess. I fell asleep. You have no clue how tired I was. What I like most about the whole thing, was the dresses. There were so many pretty dresses. I got some new ideas for my future prom dress ;D It's going to be so pretty!:D senior year prom! :D thats 2 years to plan out my dress. Hee-Hee(: Don't really feel like talking, so yea. good night everyone. I'm really sick right now, so I really need to sleep. So yea.

Energy - Natalie

"Energy"
(feat. Baby Bash)

[Baby Bash]
Energy, digging on your energy
Energy, digging on your energy
Energy, digging on your energy. energy

[Chorus 2x]
Boy, I'm digging on your energy (Energy)
And I'm digging what you telling me (Telling me)
So I wrote this little melody (Melody)
And dedicate it to my favorite lover

[Verse 1 - Natalie]
I'm lying in bed
There's thoughts in my head
I'm thinking bout you
Over and over and over and over again
What can I tell you, you got me so twisted
Tossing and turning
Over and over and over and over again
So I wrote a song tonight (Tonight)
You weren't begging me to write (To write)
Tell me is it cool tonight (Tonight)
To let you know what's on my mind

[Chorus 2x]
Boy, I'm digging on your energy (Energy)
And I'm digging what you telling me (Telling me)
So I wrote this little melody (Melody)
And dedicate it to my favorite lover

[Verse 2 - Baby Bash]
Rain and shine sleet and snow
Couldn't stop the way we flow
Welcome to my miracle
And I'm digging on your lyrical
Your melody is my remedy
Squeeze to my Hennessey
The one to call when I'm sipping for
With the candy coated Tennessee
Just make a wish.
And let's make it official with your boy Baby Bash with some heavenly bliss
Because your kisses on my lips, girl I'm ready to roll
With so vicious and bubblicious, the energy's throwed

[Chorus 2x]
Boy, I'm digging on your energy (Energy)
And I'm digging what you telling me (Telling me)
So I wrote this little melody (Melody)
And dedicate it to my favorite lover

[Verse 3 - Natalie]
Boy, you know that I dig you
I fell in love when I met you
I love the way you make me feel
Your energy is something real (Fa. sho.)
Boy, I love the way (I love the way)
You make me feel (You make feel)
Is something bout you loving me
Can't do without your energy

[Chorus 2x]
Boy, I'm digging on your energy (Energy)
And I'm digging what you telling me (Telling me)
So I wrote this little melody (Melody)
And dedicate it to my favorite lover

[Baby Bash]
Energy, digging on your energy
Energy, digging on your energy
Energy, digging on your energy. energy


Alex, do you remember this song? It was back in 05' when I dedicated this song to you. You loved this song so much; you made a layout for you Xanga. I think back, remember when you told me to sing this song, but no matter now hard I try, I can’t sing the guy part? And you keep telling me to practice and try harder; eventually I’ll be able to sing it? As I’m listening to this song right now, I still can’t sing his part. :P You know what reminded me of this song today? I was eating at dinner with my parents, and Energy went on. I started reminiscing back again. And this is where I got this song back in.

Valentine's day.

It's this time of year again. The day when all the singles suffer the pain of not having the one THEY love by them. It's singles awareness day. Who needs a guy when there are so many friends out there that care about you right? It's just a day of sharing love, you don't NEED to be taken, even though it feels much better.

Well, today was... depressing as always. I mean, if I’m sad normally, imagine today… I wanted to cry so many times, but I made a promise that I wouldn’t cry today. I’ll be strong for my friends’ sake. But I can’t guarantee that I can keep this up any longer. I might cry tonight. Or maybe cry myself to sleep again. I look back on the roses I got in the past, and I think about how I got them, and cherished them. Now that I want to cherish it, I don’t have any to do so.

I went to 花岛 to eat with some friends.(After school) I remembered when Alex and I went there to eat that one afternoon. We were at my house alone. My sister went to the mall with her friends. Alex was hungry, and I was lazy to cook, so we went out to eat. We both got curry I believe. I was complaining that there wasn’t enough rice. And Alex told me, “How do you know you don’t have enough, if you haven’t started eating? Just finish it first.” Ha-Ha. In the end, I didn’t even finish the curry, he did though. And we fought over the bill too. He won-.-“ like always… good times, good times.

I wonder what Alex got Quyen for Valentine’s Day. I think I won’t talk to him today… just because I believe they should spend every second together. I know that they can do more stuff than I can ever do with him. I know that they can have much more fun then I can ever have with him. That’s why they should enjoy ever moment together; this is their first valentine’s day together. I hope they have fun.

I remember our first valentine’s day together. He came all the way to my house at night, just to give me Pandiiee and candy with a rose (: Like I said, moments I cherish… that I can’t cherish anymore. I love you Alex. I don’t care what people say. I don’t care what you say, but I just love you. No one can stop that now. It’s too late to turn back on love. I just love you. I know that there may never be that chance again, but I will still love you. I don’t know if I’m even making sense right now, I just need you to understand how I feel about you. I know that you say that you know how I feel. But I just need to express it even more. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you. I can’t forgive myself for EVER hurting you. I really don’t give a Dam about anything else right now. I just miss you. I just need you. I just love you.

Hey, it’s Valentine’s Day… love the one you love. Show that you love them. I don’t know how I can show mine… How can I show you I love you?

I want you back - Johnny

Yo, this ones for you,
Hope you like it.

You ever get this feeling,
That we we’re meant to be.
Well suddenly,
A flash of light came shinning on me.
I started squinting at the light,
I drop to my knee’s
And realize it was god
that was smilein’ down at me
And he said listen son
You need to make this quick
I’m here to help you out
Yes and I’ll grant you one wish.
One opportunity, yeah kid
Just one request
Just don’t get greedy and selfish kid
Just show respect
So I said listen father
I say prayers everyday
I want you to know that I’m
I’m happy that you came
You probably know already
But Imma let you know
See there’s this girl in my life
But I can’t let her go
She’s always on my mind
And she’s some sort of curse
I always think about her
Can’t even finish a verse
He said okay I’ll help
I’ll help show you the way
Please, oh please, oh please
God, what word should I say?

(x2)
Just let me show for the record I know
I made mistakes
I regret what I was willing to face
But know that I’ll take you back
If I could yes I would
Cause girl I miss your touch
Love you so much and I want you back


God said that he understood me
And he gon bring her back
He only had one question
Do I really want her back?
Oh yes I want her back
And I’ll do anything
I’ll walk a thousand miles
I’ll serve a thousand kings
I’ll clime the highest mountain
I’ll fight the biggest thug
I’ll do what ever it takes
So I could prove my love
So then I close my eyes
And then I open them
Next thing I know
She was standing there right next to him
I got up off my knees
And then she ran to me
I rapped my arms around her
And she kissed me on the cheek
I said I love you baby
Promise I’ll never leave
I looked into her eyes
And she smiled back at me
But then god came to us
And placed his hand on me
He said I’m sorry child
You’re just not meant to be
I screamed what do you mean?
He said just go to sleep
Next thing I know
I wake up and it was just a dream

(x2)
Just let me show for the record I know
I made mistakes
I regret what I was willing to face
But know that I’ll take you back
If I could yes I would
Cause girl I miss your touch
Love you so much and I want you back

Its morning I’m still thinking
One dream just how I feel
Why couldn’t that have happened?
Dam I swear that dream was real
I’m sick and tired of guessing
I really need to know
She needs to know that I still love her
And can’t let her go
I need to speak to her now
I ain’t got that much time
I jump to the computer
Quick and I go sign online
I’m searching for her screen name
I’m looking up and down
Oh finally I found it
So I click on the mouse
I open up her info
Not trying to be selfish
I thought I saw my initials
But they were someone else’s
And next to the initials
Followed a little heart
Right then I knew she had a new boyfriend
And it crushed my heart
See I just had that feeling
Knew it was just to late
Next to the heart and initials
I saw a month and day
That days December 7th
Wait, that was yesterday
Guess I’ve been waiting on someone
Who’s been taken away?
You ever get that feeling
You’re just not meant to be
I think I have that feeling
I guess that sucks for me
I sit in my room thinking
Where do I go from here?
I can’t believe I’m crying
Use my sleeves to wipe my tears
Why did I ever leave you?
How could I be so stupid?
And now you fallen for someone else
God dam that cupid
Why won’t things ever work out?
I guess I’ll be alright
But I wish you good luck
And hope you lead a happy life
I won’t ever forget you
But its time to move on
I go to grab my jacket
And I put my shoes on
See I believe in soul mates
One day I’ll find the one
But I won’t stop until then
Not until my search is done

(x2)
Just let me show for the record I know
I made mistakes
I regret what I was willing to face
But know that I’ll take you back
If I could yes I would
Cause girl I miss your touch
Love you so much and I want you back


I typed out these lyrics this morning. I’m planning to memorize this song too(: Thank you Alex for sending this song to me. I love it(:

Not that bad.

So, Evelyn and Alex were planning on going somewhere last Saturday for his birthday. But then it got canceled because Alex's sister came down so that she could eat dinner with him. Well, we moved it to today. Um... we planned it to start at 11:30. I went out to eat dim dum with my family just like every other Sunday. I thought we were going to head back to lily's house or something. But then the parents wanted to walk around at the festival on Garvy or was it Valley? … Oh well. I ditched them, well not really because I told them I'm leaving, and went to CVS. Alex waited for Evelyn there too. Then I found out that he had to go pick Nicole and Camille at Puente hill mall, but then there weren’t enough seats, so Alex drove to Santa Anita mall and dropped Evelyn and I off first, then went to pick them up. He dropped us off at 12 something. And then we waited for like almost 2 hours. They got lost on their way there. Well, they finally got there to Santa Anita mall at like 2 something. Alex didn’t eat yet, so we went to Johnny rockets to eat. I got a milkshake that I couldn’t finish-.-“ Alex got burger & fries. Eh, Alex was annoyed and cranky. I told Evelyn to stop talking and just let him chill and think. Alex kinda yelled, and kuyen came to ask him if he’s okay. I didn’t say anything because I think it’s better if he just got some time and just peace and quiet for a while. Um… after that, Alex wanted to go to Borders, so we chilled for like 2 hours there? I don’t know. There weren’t enough seats in his car to go somewhere else, so Evelyn decided to leave. So that left Alex, Quyen, Camille, Nicole and I. They all decided to go to Nicole’s house to watch a movie, I just tagged along. At 6:00 my sister called and tells me to go home. So eh, I went home. Then we got lost on the way-.-“ we went around the same area like ten trillion times! Well. I called William, and he told me to take 10 wests, 605 souths, and then 60 East. So I did choose the right one, to take the 10 west. Ha-ha. Well yea, then there was traffic. Which gave me a major head ache, I got over it. Umm ... I got home and eh. Took a shower, and I’m super tired. My legs can barely stand, and my eyes barely stay open. I think I’m going to sleep earlier today. Today was a good day. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I love you Alex. I’m glad I got to spend some time with you today, even though we didn’t really talk, Ha-ha. Thank you. For everything.

Kill me.

You know what? My prediction was right. You told me that nothing will break us apart. No one will ever break our friendship. You’re wrong Alex. Time tore our relationship apart. You haven’t talk to me in like 3 days. When I IMed you, you didn’t even talk to me. All you did was reply… barely. What happened to talking to me? What happened to “were still best friends” “nothing will ever break our friendship” Don’t tell me everything was a lie. Everything you say is just to make me happy. It’s not working anymore Alex. Your actions just show that you don’t care anymore. I bet if I died right now, you wouldn’t even care or even know. I mean why would it matter?

072707
XxTrubleSoldjaxX (1:54:57 AM): and kill me when you have time
XxTrubleSoldjaxX (1:55:01 AM): take care
XxTrubleSoldjaxX (1:55:03 AM): love you
XxTrubleSoldjaxX signed off at 1:55:07 AM.
XxTrubleSoldjaxX is offline and will receive your IMs when signing back in.
XxLadySw33tzxX (1:55:16 AM): im never going to have time.

Well, here’s the day, when I say the very same lines. “Kill me when you have time Alex” and don’t tell me you don’t have the time. Because I know you have time. If you have time with her, I don’t think you’d mind giving a few seconds for me. I you only spend time with her everyday and ever second right? Kill me Alex. I don’t want to live on. I feel like there’s just no point. I can’t live watching you drift further from me everyday. I can’t live, watching you spend more and more time with her, and knowing what you two have together. I just can’t stand it. I bet death is WAY less painful then what I feel. So, kill me when you have time alright?(: thank you.

Someone important.

You are someone very important to me. Without you here with me, without you here by me, without you by my side, I feel alone. I know that there are many people out there that care for me very much, and I know that their important to me too, but you are the one that I love, someone I really need. I understand that you love her now, and I understand that I’m not the same girl that you loved. I know that you don’t love me anymore. But I can’t help, but still love you. You tell me what I can do to lose this pain inside. You tell me how I can get rid of all the emotions I have inside.

I don’t know what I can do to make myself happy. I don’t think I can hold myself together any longer. Who knows, I know I am a strong girl, and I believe I can keep this pain all in. But I don’t know how long I can last. What if one day, I break down from all the emotions and do something stupid. I really don’t know what I’m capable of doing in the future. I know that I wouldn’t do anything stupid right now, because I know what’s right or wrong. What if one day, I go insane and do something I think is right? I don’t know if you would even care. I feel like you wouldn’t, or maybe even know that I went insane.

I’m I getting annoying? Do I talk about you to much? I’m sorry.

“As long as you love me – Backstreet boys” I’m listening to that right now. Random music list too. “I don’t care who you are, where you’re from, don’t care what you did, as long as you love me.”, As long as you love me…

You are someone VERY important to me. I can't afford to lose you. Don't leave. Promise me?

It's always about her.

Why does everything have to be about her? It’s always about somebody else and feels like it’s never my turn. I know that there are times that I may take the glory, but everything always becomes hers. Everything I do never turns out right. Everything I say becomes wrong. What’s the point of living my life, when everything I do is wrong? I understand that I’m not the only person in this world that is like this. I understand that I may be one of the lucky ones. But if you feel the anger, the pain that I feel inside, I bet you wouldn’t know what to do too.

I always forget things. I know that I was about to say something really important, but now I lost my thought. I always say the things to make people around me feel better, but in the end the result of my words become wrong, which screws everything over. Everything I do seems to be good when I’m doing it, wither it’s about school, church, relationships…etc.

I don’t want to believe this reality. Why can’t I fall back asleep? Why can’t I just live the rest of my life like I did 8 months ago? Why can’t I escape the past? Why does it come back to haunt me? Why can’t everything just leave me alone? Many people say that they understand how I feel. And they all tell me to move on. They tell me things that the believe I should know. But the truth is, I already know everything you guys say to me.

Everything that comes out of your mouths, I’ve already thought about. I know what I have to do, I know what I can do, I know what should be done. I know if I live on the way I am, I will never be able to get anywhere in life. I understand. And still, you guys come to me and tell me to move on. Telling me that I know, but why aren’t I putting it into action? I don’t know. I just can’t move on. I can’t forget the fact that he’s finally gone. I hate thinking about everything that will happen, everything that is happening, and everything that has happened.

Can you name ONE thing in my life that could have done right…? Done something that I’ve never messed up on? Why can I ever get anything right? I hate myself for screwing up everything. I hate myself for everything that I have done. I hate this feeling that I have inside me.

You were the only one that ever made me feel like I’m someone special. I know that there are many people that treat me really great, but you were the one that showed me love, in a new level. I can get past everything in my life when your there with me. But now that you don’t love me the same way, the feeling of being safe, feeling special, that love… is gone. I can’t get past the fact that your love is on someone else now.

I love you Alex, but that doesn’t matter. (Great, I lost my thought again) You’ve taught me a lot about life. You’ve made me realize how life goes, and how everything will turn out if I make a wrong turn. Everything you’ve ever done; everything you’ve ever said… there all stuff that I will remember for the rest of my life. And in the end, nothing matters. (Now I remember) I know that your still here. I know that your still me best friend. I know, as long as we still talk to each other, as long as we’re still friends, that’s all the really matters.

But Alex, there is a difference. And you know there is. I keep telling myself that all the really matters, is that we’re still friends. I still can’t leave the fact that your gone. And I don’t think I will ever believe that fact. I still love you, and I really do. We’re drifting apart as each day passes, can you feel it? I don’t think so. She’s all that matters. So treat her right. I know you can. :/

I love you more then you think I do. I love you more then she saids she does. Sometimes I feel like you don't understand how I really feel about you. Or maybe, even if you did, you wouldn't care.

Past dream.

I'm currently listening to the song, "passion - Utada Hikaru" You know what this song reminds me of? There was this one day, back in the day, my whole family went to a Thai Restaurant to eat breakfast. I closed my eyes, and fell asleep as we were all waiting for the food to come out. My mp3 was on, and it was playing this song. I dreamt about the beach, but I wasn't alone. Alex was there and 2 other children. One boy and one girl. We all held hands, and walked along the beach. We were playing tag, and building sand castles. I remember it so well. I can't believe I ever left it behind. So many dreams, so many memories, so many things, all left behind. and now, slowly recovering from the deep sleep of mine. As I recover, I feel like I should just fall back asleep. I want to live my life like nothing exists. I want to live my life like I lived it for the last 8 months. Blinded by everything around me. Not ever noticing whats important in my life. I laugh just thinking back. How stupid I was. How stupid I am. How I crewed myself over. How I caused myself so much pain. I don't blame him for anything because everything is my fault. I just got to say, I'm sorry. And I will wait until the day you come back. And even though I move on, I will break up with him just for you. Cause I said... I want you, I only need you. I know I need to move on, But I know I can't and I won't.

Another Day of Thinking. (I really need better titles.)

You know, now that I really think about it, it feels like I just let 5 months of my life past me by. I was looking back at my music, and you know how they have the “Date added”, well I was looking at that. And I felt like it wasn’t long go when I downloaded that certain song. But when I see the date, it’s like all the way back in August. I think to myself again, was that really that long ago? I mean if I think about it, 5 months is a long time. It felt like yesterday when I said that “Shawty - T-pain” was a stupid song. And that I hate guys like that. Then I look at the date of when I downloaded it… It was back in august 30th of 2007. I was like… WTF!?!
Sigh, time passes to fast, and now that I want time to past faster, it goes super slow. It’s only been one month since I realized. I hate the fact that time passes so slow when I want it to past faster, and time passes so fast when I wanted it to past slower. It wasn’t long ago when I told myself that I don’t want it to be my birthday because that just means that schools ganna be ending soon. And I didn’t want school to end. I think it was because then the seniors will have to graduate. And I like the seniors.
Everything’s so confusing. I really hate this. I don’t know what the hell I should do with my life anymore. I know that he will always be with me. I know that he will always be there for me. But no matter how I put it, it’s never ganna be the same. I know that for sure, I’m still in love with him. And I can’t do anything about him loving me anymore because he’s in love with her now. I’m just scared that one day, he wouldn’t care about me anymore. I’m scared that we will drift so far that we won’t talk to each other.

I don’t want to lose him. I already lost him in reality; I don’t want to lose him friendship wise too. I can’t stand this pain. I can’t believe that time just past like that, and I didn’t even realize that he’s already gone. I’m losing him with every second that passes. I remember the past very well. And I can’t let go of it. I’m trapped within the past and I can’t leave it no matter how hard I try. I don’t have anything to say but the fact that I lost him, and I can’t believe He’s officially gone. There’s no turning back.

Ohh, and feel free to leave a comment. You don't have to have an account. You can just select guest, and type your name(: I just want to see who reads my journal:D