And now...

I'm back to my old self. Even with all this, my past still comes back and bits me in the ass. I'm drowning in my own pain; and it gets higher with his pain. All I can do is sit here and hold it all in; even the tears.

I'm back ! And it starts all over again; but worst.

I'm back ! :D

That was the most awesome family vacation ever! I think I'm ganna go back to visit them again in two years. Even though people there don't have any manners there what to ever, and the fact that they smoke everywhere.. and the air is humid and stuffy... it was still fun.

After 2 weeks of vacationing, i feel much more eased about all the drama in the past. And then I came back to my life. Now I'm living though the toughest problem I've ever encountered. Even though this problem doesn't really have anything to do with me, I still take it in as my own. You know why? It's because this problem involves with two people that are most dear to me. The one I love, and my loving cousin. I know that he's wrong, but no matter what, he's still my cousin, no matter now great or crap he is. If he isn't scared to go to jail, I'm scared for him. I know all this is hurting him deep inside. I can feel his pain. It haunts me in my sleep. When he's not okay, I can feel it. His problems become my problems.

We this differently, and still we feel the same pain. I know that he might not feel me hurting, but I can feel his pain. I understand the pain he's going though.

Right now, I really can care less about you coming back to me. Cause at this point, I really don't think I have a chance anymore. I just want you to know that this isn't worth it. I know that you see this as the best and worst thing that has ever happened in your life. but trust me, if you don't go down that dark path... you will live to laugh about all this. I know you are lost right now, you are confused on what to do next. All you know, is... "I love Quyen, I need to get her back"

Is it worth it?... To throw your life down the drain, not being able to get her back, not being able to apply for a job, not being able to support a family. Is that really the life you want to live? Think about it, Is it really worth it? Cause if it was me, I'd rather go though loving someone painfully for the rest of my life, then to throw it all down the drain.

You say your 18 already. Yes I am aware of that, your not a little boy anymore. But why are you still playing such little boy games? always taking the easier way out. Be a man and start taking care of things the right way. And yes, you kinda are running out of time to find another girl. But then you have to think about it this way... your five girlfriends... were high school love. What about college? Have you forgotten about that? And you say you want a family with her right? don't you think thats a little too soon? cause seriously, 18 is WAY too young. A 19 year old girl is too young to be a mother. Do you really think shes even old enough yet? she's only 17.

And do you know HOW much responsibility you have to carry as a father? Where's your job? without a job, you don't have money, and no money means no home&food&&anything to take care of the baby. Yes; the mother can work, but then who takes care of the baby? hire a babysitter? which also uses money. Do you really think its that easy? yes; it is easy to make a baby, but what about all the responsibility that comes behind it? You can't just throw them all away. Then there IS no family.

You tell me, Is it really worth it? you tell me ! I set my own feelings aside for yours. And sometimes I feel like you don't even give a crap about it. you deny the truth. You don't want to believe all this is happening, I know it's hard. I know that there is hate. Alex...? Life isn't fair. Trust me, it may seem hard now, but it just gets harder. Feelings grow, and they fade; even AFTER marriage. and even after 20 years of marriage. So you tell me, is it still worth it? This is just teenage love. Get over it okay? It's hard, and its ganna take time. Hold on, and be strong. I'm right there with you.

Just a little longer...

Just a little longer...



Then I can finally leave all this behind.



And pray that it doesn't follow me.



Cause I don't know how long i can live with this.



Why can't you just LEAVE ME ALONE already! I didn't DO anything to you!



Just a little longer...

Thank you! <3

Thank you to those of you that still understand me. But if i really do get on your nerves tell me yea? I don't want to lose even more friends.








Thank you again! really. <33

Five more days.

Five More Days.






With me gone for a while, Hope y'all be happy without me.







Goodbye Everyone!

Replys

i don't hate u because of wat u think thats only like the smalles t part of it. its cuz we are all jux sick and tired of all the drama that u create when u don't get along wif kuyen. i mean i act the same way sometimes wif bryan and his friend ships wif angie and ashely. but then me and erika are jux very tired of it and everytime u complain to bryan ur taking up his time that he can spend talking to me. i mean i spend so little time wif him and sinc eu complain to him cuz hes the only one not annoyed now its taking his time away from me. plus u kno he used to like u. its the same reason y kuyen doesn't like u. cuz u tend to get kinda clingy. i mean i lost joyce to u already i dont' want to lose bryan too. since kuyen and alex can avoid u its all good but then me and bryan can't advoid u. so its like ur ruining things for us.

Well Sorry that you feel that way, because I didn't mean to complain. I'll just stop talking to him then. I only tell him cause he asks whats wrong. If I KNEW he was annoyed of me... then He should have just told me. I would have just shut the fuck up about everything. But either way, you still shouldn't call me a slut and stuff. Everything would have been better if everyone just told me straight out what the hell was going on in the mind! I feel so stressed when I find out stuff like this. Why don't you guys just tell me straight out?! it causes less drama~! Bryan; if your reading this, If I ever annoy you THAT much, just tell me to shut the fuck up.

you know. quyen once told me that she asked you to promise her that you wouldnt talk to alex late at night. YOU promised HER. and guess what? YOU broke that promise.

I barely talk to him at all. Sometimes I forget the time or it's just a 5-10 min talk. Tell her I'm sorry if thats the reason why she hate me. the most I can do now Is just not to talk to him ever again. I mean, If everyone hates me for talking to their boyfriends. I rather not have all this hate going on. seriously, I mind as well just leave this earth and make everyone else in this world happy! Alex; If your reading this, Goodbye.

Special post to Birthday boy!

Happy birthday Ryan Lo-Lo!! :D

Why wouldn't you answer my IMs! >=(

and the stupid internet cutt off when i was typing this last night... so I couldn't wish you a happy birthday until you called me and woke me up this afternoon:P Hope to see ya laters! :D

Happy Independence Day!

Oh, and I wish EVERYONE a Happy Independence day!

Alex; I'll pray for you again tonight. And hopefully you're arm will be all better tomorrow.

I told you god IS there(: He answered my prayers.


Oh; Happy Birthday Bryan! Happy Birthday Grandpa!:D Hope you had a FANTASTIC one! :D

Questions&&Sorries.

Come think back on life, who really did the mess-ups? Was it me that caused everything for myself? Or was it the people that are around me? What can I do to make my life today and my tomorrowS mucho better? I know that living the way I am today isn't going to help me any further. Not that it has ever halped me before. But the question is... why can't I do anything about myself? As if my worst enemy is myself. I feel like as if i've lost total control of myself. I always seem to let the people around me push me around. I don't have the curage to stand up for myself.

I know more then you all think I know. For some odd reason, when it comes to putting into action, I don't budge. I just want everyone to know that I am trying my very best to move on with my life. I also don't want to lose the people that I have around me. If I continue to live the way I do today, I will lose ALL my closest friends. Even though the say that their not going to leave me now, but watch; when I get annoying enough... their all ganna want to just kill me.

I'm scared. And still I can't and won't do anything about it. People are starting to talk shit behind my back, but they all think I don't know scrap about it. Well guess again. I know more then you think I do. I know that I may have some bad habits and it annoys people, but do know that I'm not doing it on purpose. To tell you the truth, I don't even know why there are people out in this world that HATE my living guts. What have I ever done to them? You tell me, What have I ever done to you?

Sammi ; Why do you hate me? What Have I ever done to you? All I did was TRY to help you and Bryan. And you know what I get back? Hate. You make think I don't know anything, but I KNOW you hate me. You keep thinking that I'm trying to take Bryan away from you, but I'm not. I never even done anything like that. I will NEVER use someone as a re-bound. and exspecially not my friends boy-friend. If I really wanted to use a guy as a re-bound, I would have don't so a LONG time ago. Just think about that.

Quyen ; From the beginning, I wanted to be your friend. And maybe it was the first impression that made our relationship rockyy. Whatever it is, I'm sorry. What I don't get is... why don't you trust Alex? with me... We've been best friends since our break-up and even before then. So I'm not trying to take him away from you by saying we're best friends. Alex loves you for you. You need to trust that. There were SO many times, that we apoigized to eachother... and said that we'd be friends. But for some reason, it always falls apart. I gave you my trust... and you seem to break them every time.

Seriously, I don't know what made me seem like such a bad girl to you guys... but If you know me well enough... I'm not like that. I just don't like it when people try to rub stuff in my face. It makes me feel LOWer then I already am. I hope you guys don't take this the wrong way, and talk behind my back again and about this post. I'm really trying my best to hold all the pain&&anger in. I'm sorry EVERYONE for all the annoyance and for all the time that was wasted.

I want everyone to know... It's really not easy being me. This is my life and I know you all have hard times too. Just understand... I'm ganna need a LOT of time... getting over the "first's.. of everything in my life" If you can, please bare with me.


I'm Sorry EVERYONE!

Music=life

If you were mine - Marcos Hernandez = I remember when I first listen to this song, I was talking to you on the phone for the very first time. You asked me what I was singing, and I said "If you were mine"

Last cry - Deestylistic = This one was a funny story. I misunderstood you. I thought you wanted to break up with me, but you said that it wasn't like that. I cried when i
first heard it. Hana said she wanted to beat you up. Haha.

One wish - Ray J = This was one of those songs that we would always sing to eachother just for the fun if it. I miss those times.

All my life - KC&Jojo = Something beyond words can explain. Everything just felt so right. The first person that comes to mind would always be you.

StickwituU - Pussycat Dolls = I dedicated this song to you after we broke up. We were going to Costco. and this song went on the radio, you looked at me and smiled. I smiled and continue singing.

We belong together - Mariah Carey = On that same day, we were in Costco as you and william were goofing around, I was standing by the radios crying to this song.

BabyGirl - Innervoices = I love this song. you want to know whyy? this is the song we would always sing to eachother. Every time one of us start singing the first line, we end up singing together. I want to hear your voice again T.T

Butterfly kisses - Bob Carlisle = I remember you told me to play this song on the day of our marriage. and let my daddy listen to it as everyone cries. cute huh?:P

Come back to me shawty - Tyrese = Only memories I have of this song... was in Joyce's car. We were on the way to church, and she told me that you wanted me to listen to this song. I cried, but didn't do anything about it.

I'm missing you - Bobby Tinsley = I believe you sent me this song cause it related to how you felt. to tell you the truth, that was how I felt too. you never left my mind. if just seemed like you did.

Never give up on love - Bobby Tinsley = you used this song to keep yourself up. told yourself&& told me not to give up on love. cause love comes back if its true love. (stuff like that)


There was a lot more, but so far, thats all I can this of on top of my mind. Thank you for the memories. now its ganna haunt me for the rest of my life.