Whats going though my mind.

Wow... again, it's been... a month since I updated this journal. I stopped writing in my personal one too. But then I started again. I guess there are just some things that are better said to myself, like personally then out to the whole world. I'll just summarize how I basically feel right now. But... yet, I don't know how to explain. I feel so emotionless right now. I can seriously go on and on about this for like ever. I guess I can spill something out of my personal journal into this journal. I don't think it would matter that much. Most of my closest friends already know what I'm going though. Even though some say I should just move on, but the truth is, it’s not that easy. For the people that has gone thought what I have, or is starting to go though this... will understand the most how I feel right now.
So basically, I’m still in love with my Ex-boyfriend, Alex Leung. I know that in the past he has hurt me many, many times. But everything has been put to a side right now. I really don’t give a damn about what he did in the past. I just want him back in my arms. I know some of you may tell me to just move on, but I just can’t. It’s really not as easy as you all this it is. Most of you that has been with their partner for like a month or more, seriously, that’s nothing compared to 2 years.
If everyone has gone thought what I have gone though in these two years of my life, then I think this world will fall. Ugh! Going off topic again... Well that’s all in the past, and all can do now is reminisce back. I rather have him cheat on me, and have him back then see him with another girl and knowing I will never have him back. I know that he is happy with her right now. I know that they can have a better life then what I can have with him. And no matter how hard I try, I can’t forget him. It kills me to see him with another girl.
This is what I wrote in my journal today.
“Alex… I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m so confused about you. Do you still love me? Do you have any feeling for me anymore? Do you ever think of me? Even a little bit? Would you ever do something that will harm me again? Even if your not here with me? I don’t know why, but I just love you. I don’t care how much she saids she loves you. I don’t care what she says when you ask her why she loves you. I am not scared to say that I love you more. It’s been 2 years and 2 months since you asked me, “why do you love me?” and up until today, I still don’t know why I love you. I just know that my feelings inside me aren’t fake. Everywhere I go, I think about you. Everything I do, you’re there. Over the years, you changed. I’ve changed you and you know it. I changed you for me. I changed you for your own good. And all she has to say is “I love you because you are capable of changing.” Alex, everyone is capable of changing. Just depends how and why they change. If you love her because she said that, then I can say “I love you because you are capable of changing your bad habits for ME!” but now it sounds like I’m coping her. You said she wants you to graduate right? Well so does everyone else in this world that cares about you. Especially me. If I didn’t want you to graduate, I would have let you continue ditching school. If I didn’t want you to graduate, I wouldn’t have told you to concentrate in school. I believed in you. I believed that you will make it though high school, even though you have had a bad record. Doesn’t that count? And just because she’s helped you on your homework, she’s the only one that wants you to graduate? Well, I’m sorry that I’m not smart and have the same classes as you. If she really wants to help you, she wouldn’t do it for you. She would try to help you and teach you. Not do it for you. Who knows, she might have done it for you just so you two can have more time together. Who knows, I sure don’t. But there’s nothing I can say to change the way things are. You love her and there’s nothing I can do about it. Nothing I say can ever make you come back. There’s no point.”

the true pain.

Its finally 2008. I can never have him again. I have finally realized the truth. I still love alex. I still love him very much. I cant let go of the fact that he has gone. I am nothing tohim but a best friend. I can't have a day of peace without how so called "girlfriend" calling him up in the middle, just so he can go home to her. He's totally in her hands. He's afraid of her. He's afraid that she's going to yell at him. Whats so wrong with hanging out with his bestfriend? ijust want to spend some time with him. i was hoping that i can finally know the truth today, if he would ever love me back. if he will ever come back to me. i need him. i regret ever breaking up with him. only if i gave him a 4th chance. then i wouldnt have got myself into this mess. now, i am nothing but a freind. i cant ever be anything more. i feel so lost. i was scared to kow the truth today. i knew i relized its to late. i cant stop thinking about him. i cant stop staring at him. i know he wants to spend his last year of high school drama free. so i will try to do that for him. every time i see him, i will try not to think about the fact we cant ver be. i will make it easy for him so that he doesnt feel like he's miss treating his "girlfriend". he has learned his lession, not to cheat on his girlfriend. atleast 2 years of my life didnt go down the drain, but helped a guy learn his lession. but still why me? why cant i have something special. and like not screw ever thing up by my stupid misunderstandings. i thought i didnt love him anymore because i liked another guy. but was wrong. at the point in time, i was falling deeper in love. i took the wrong step and this is where it got me. atleast were still friends i guess. nothing will ever be the same. my feelings will never go away.