Reminisce: Change! hopefully for the better(:

Don’t you ever think about how much the world has changes? I constantly think about all the things I have done and gone though in this short life time. As I reminisce about how much i have grown up, I feel so proud. When I was in elementary school, I was very immature. I never understood anything about the world we live in today. The foolish me rushed into things without thinking about the consequences, and results. Without thinking about what could have happen if I didn’t make that foolish decision. I guess its true about what they say, “wisdom comes from experience.” I have learned a lot thought-out my years as a teenager. I’m sure that it applies to many more fellow young adults in today’s society and maybe even past and current teens. (What am I saying>.< Mind as well say everyone…) Whether people change for the better or worse, change is always happening. And sometimes by the time you realize things around you, including yourself, has changed… It might have already been too late to go back. All you can do is look forward and do all that you can to make up for the things you realized you’ve done wrong. As long as you know where your mistakes is, you will be able to stand up again and correct yourself. Maybe someday you will be able to catch your own mistakes before it happens, that is how you learn. Its kinda surprising to think about how much you have changed over a 5 year time period. The little girl that I once was will no longer affect the way I live my life anymore. I have learned that the things I put myself though were immature and I am no long that immature. I am glad to have moved on with my life just because I know that I am still growing into someone I know I will love to be. Although growing into adulthood still scares me a bit, I want to know how I will become. I will look back at this some day in the future, and laugh because who I am today may still be immature, I just don’t see it now >.< because I want to believe that I am no longer that immature child. But hey, how will I know I have changed if I don’t look back and think that I am naive. Another 5 years will come fast, and by then I would have probably found a job or some kind of internship. Maybe even moved on with my relationships with people around me for the better or worse. (I’m just babbling on and on about change.. I feel like I am going off topic.) so, bring it on “life”. Give me all that you can give me, because I am ready to take on everything you got to throw at me. The choices I make will be no mistake because it either takes me down a good path with good experience or a greater path with wisdom. Either way, I will live a better path then now. The book has just begun. There will be more change, and hopefully for the better!(:

Clubbing!

There is a part of me that wishes I can just drop EVERYTHING that I have now, and just fun free. I want to go out to some exotic place and party all night ! I want to dance, sing, scream and do crazy things to let all this stress, frustration, boredom, and just confusion run wild. I want to be crazy just for one day. A whole 24 hours. I want to do something that I have never done before but not something I’d regret. I want to do something new, nothing that I go in a weekly basis. Where can I go to get away from all the school, parents, duties, responsibilities, and whatever comes along in my life. I’m like a cup of water that is filled to the top. If you don’t stop pouring, I will spill. For some odd reason, I’m not spilling yet. It’s like my cup continues to grow taller so that more water can be held. Some point in time, I am going to over flow and just explode like a bomb. I so cannot wait until that moment. When I am 21, I want to get so wasted that  don’t even remember that happened. Actually, that’s exaggerated. I don’t even want to be drunk or wasted. That feeling must suck like hells! blah blah blah! I just all of a sudden stopped typing so I guess I will end here(:

March 16, 2010 - worst of luck

It's so ironic how today is St. Patricks day, the day of luck. Yesterdays just couldnt get any worst... something in my life finally ended. I honestly think that I'm handleing this pretty well because i know i dont want to annoy people around me even more than i already have. So far, its only assumtions that something has happened and only my sister knows the truth but not whole truth. i don't think even i know the whole truth. i think life will be fine after a while, and I will not make the same mistakes again. there is a part of me that will feel like shit, and i know that will never change, but you know what? i think i will do very well on my own for now. I'm not planning to change this, cause i have to adapt ... (im going on and on about nothing now, cause i dotn feel like telling the world what happened... but i still neeed to keep a record of soemthing. i think that when people read it they might have a slight clue of what im talking about, but you know, i dont want to me the one to say so. even though when people do read this, its like i said so, so whatever. I feel like im talking too much on and on about nohting.

Dear loving friends

What can I say, It's driving me crazy ! i think there is soemthing wrong with my LITERALLY, cause I can't seem to remember things very well, and my imagery is going crazy too. Here is what I have to say to those that apply: *i never got the chance to say*

I'm sorry i said that thing i did about your father last time, i didn't mean to it just happened. I'm Sorry for the things isaid about your boyfriend, i shouldn't have said because i dont even know him. And honestly, what is happening to us? We use to tell eachother everything, and now its as if i dont even exist. Everyone knows about him except me, im sure every one gets to meet or have met him before I. I don't even know how he looks like..... When i walk by you, we have nothing to say, When you go out with friends, I'm mostly never there. i understand that its none of my business, but thats cause im never incuded. Correct me if im wrong, because I really dont want to think this way ! i dont want to believe that things is reality. i have so much more to say that just isnt coming to mind. I'm jealous of my sister, shes always there when you have something to say, and Im always just home cause i have no where else to go. she gets to be one of the first to meet him as i never even MET him or even know his name til i over heard. you cant expect me to know without telling me. And im sure if you told me, i'll pay attention, if i wasnt i HIGHLY doubt that 100% of the times you tell me something im not listening ! you are one of the two people i NEVER want to lose, and at this point, i feel like i have already lost you, even though you tel me i havnt. You know, when Ramos came into our lives, i felt like there was some hope in bonding us back together. just look at what happened.. where is he now? i have lost almost all hope. Please tell me that I still have hope. cause i really need to hear it from you. if you dont like me, please just say so cause i rather have the truth then things said to make me feel better.


And you! everything was okay when you called friday evening. And then hell broke out! i call you at 9 to tel you i was home safe and sound. you know what i get from you? "i'll call you back later, im playing poker." i believed your words. and wake up to find that you never called me. you use to call me no matter how late it is, just to tell me that your home. What happened to that guy!? Saturday morning. I waited all morning for your call and it never came. 1pm, I called as you told me, "I'll cal you back later, i'm out with alan and wilson." i reply okay, i waited for 5 hours, and around 6, I called again, getting, "I'll call you back, i'm going to out and eat with alan and wilson." so i waited again. it was almost 10 and i was thinking to myself, 3 hours should be enough time to eat dinner right? , so i called again at 10, "I'll call you tomorrow morning, I'm still out." i was pissed. i waited until i can wait no longer. So i fell asleep. Wake up in the morning, at dim sum, and ended around 11. I knew you went out late last night so i thought i'll just let you sleep till 11-12 or so. I call you and no answer. it was 1pm when i call you AGAIN! over and over... all morning, day, and night.... i kept CALLING and calling... still no replay. frist it was ringing, and twords the middle, it went straight to voice mail. I was worried that somthing has happened to you. I thought maybe you were in the hospital from a car accident... i called alan and wilson, both of them has no clue where you were. at 7 you tell me you were BUSY ! and that you'll see me today after school. i asked if you cared to tell me what you were so fucken busy with and you tell me youll tell me today ! i as you if you were still to busy to pick up my calls last night, and you tell me yea. WHAT in the HELL where you fucken doing that was SO important that you cant even talk to me ?!

Monday, 01 25 10. waiting for alex to come see me and explain to me what the hell is going on. still waiting... he never came. asked him where was he, and this si what he tells me he to BUSY to talk to me for, "mistuhleung: Alan and wilson remember?
xxladysw33tzxx: sunday too ?
mistuhleung: Sunday i slept then went out with some friends. New ones i met at school. Just some guys." I believe you. BUT WHAT THE HELL ?! TOO BUSY DOING HW I WOULD BELIEVE BUT FRIENDS!? TO BUSY TO EVEN TALK TO ME?! WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF THEM FINDING OUT YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?! WHAT THE FUCK!

i'll continue to rant later, i have a life to contuniue living ! if i even decide to live any longer -.- !

and just so you know alex, I dressed up yesterday AND today for you ! and i get shot down BOTH fucken days ! good luck with your midterm ! you fail it, i'll kill you ! BUSY my ass !

senior year.

It's the most stressful time of all the years I've had in high school. I've been told that Senior year is the most relaxing year of all, but to me its the hardest and the most stressful. Managing money and raising it is just one part of my stress. Right now, I'm worried about Applications to college and whether I would make it in or not. Whether I would pass my Econ/government class and be on track to graduate. Whether i can pay off all the debt to the regiment and be on track to graduate. It;s not easy being a senior, so others say. All i can really do it keep my pride high, mind clear, and stay on track as long as i can. but what else throws me off track.. are my emotions. This feeling i have can't be explained in words, and yet i can when i have the courage to. words that cant be spoken to anyone i trust, because I'm afraid they wouldn't understand. the words i have to say are about the ones i trust, and thas what makes it the hardest of all. There no one out there that i feel can understand my feelings. i can tell the people around me and yet they cant help me. I try expressing to those i trust, but yet nothing i say changes. This just continues as they were and can only get worst. no drama in my life, and im glad. I run away from drama even though its about and upon my dearest friends. I chose not to deal with it because i have my own problems to deal with. I am alone, and I feel that I will be that way for a while. maybe even into college. loneliness came into my life in the beginning, something tells me that its ganna follow me out after death.